Brown Eyes and Stalkerboy
by Pandora's Box Is Heavy
Summary: "Who said I had a motive?" he asks."Why'd you ask me out, Stalkerboy?""That's simple," he shrugs turning to me. "I wanted to get into your pants."I don't think before I act. I punch the douche in his mouth. And he has the gall to look surprised.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own it :)**

**Hello ladies.. soo who saw Breaking Dawn? *raises hand* twice in twenty four hours :) really want to go again but my job blows and days off are like unicorns  
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**Welcome to my new story. Brown Eyes and Stalkerboy Cause I decided to try my hand at comedy again. I think I did an awesome job with this one. Hopefully you will think so too. The chapters are short and I promise to update at least every other day but don't hate me if I accidentally can't do. Thanks Caitlin for beta-ing the shit out of this one.. and the other one.. and the next one :) You rock my techno-colored toesocks!  
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**Chapter One**

The coffee shop is packed.

Business suits pouring in and out for their early morning caffeine fix. I'm lucky I managed to snag a table at this hour. I tap my fingers against the table and watch the chaos unfold around me.

A man sits at the condiment counter, dabbing at his silken tie where a drop of jelly landed, having fallen out of the end of his donut, while others wait to use the fancy creamers and sugars that line the shelf behind him. I watch as a middle aged woman in a tight pinstriped skirt and a Bluetooth in her ear runs straight into the only waitress in the joint.

Their collision can be heard across the room as the three ceramic cups the girl was carrying on her tray crash to the floor. The hot liquid splashes up as the woman in the skirt opens her mouth to let out a screech.

"You idiot!" She turns her head as if she's talking to someone else. "No, not you, Jerry. This retard just spilled coffee all over me!"

"Excuse me?" the waitress asks. She's a tall brunette, wearing faded jeans, an old The Cure band tee and a flowery apron.

"Look what you did!" Skirt screams, pointing to her suit.

"Well, if you weren't talking to that stupid contraption attached to your ear, you would have heard me say 'excuse me'!" the brunette screams just as loudly.

The entire shop is silent as they watch the altercation. The waitress turns to see that everyone's attention is on her and Skirt. Her eyes are brown, and her lips are full, but pursed in anger. The fat, bald dude behind the counter turns the other cheek and moves to the espresso machine. Skirt steps forward, but Brown Eyes holds her hand up.

"You don't want to do this, girly," she warns.

"Is that a threat? You just ruined my shoes! Christian Louboutin! Does that mean anything to you?"

Brown Eyes looks down at the coffee stained shoes and smirks. "Don't you think those shoes are a little impractical for this weather?"

It's true. It's like twenty degrees outside and the snow is a bitch to walk in wearing boots. I try to imagine what it would be like to traipse around the frozen, slush filled ground wearing a pair of four inch spiky shoes, but Skirt brings my cross dressing thoughts back to the present.

"These shoes cost more than what you make in a month serving coffee, you imbecile."

"Really? Dang." Brown Eyes pulls up the leg of her jeans and shows off a tattered red shoe. "These are Toms. Fifty bucks and it's for charity. Those shoes were probably made in a sweat shop for less than fifteen bucks and their proceeds don't go towards a charity. Pity."

"Do I look like I give a shit about charity?" Skirt screeches. "Where's your manager?"

"He's behind the counter," Brown Eyes says, pointing to the fatty behind the counter. "Uncle Charlie!"

"What's up, kiddo?" He calls not turning back from espresso machine.

"Tell this bitch to watch her mouth before I shut it for her."

Uncle Charlie only chuckles and hands the customer at the counter their fancy drink.

"Did you just call me a bitch?" Skirt's face turns red and her fists clench.

I'm practically on the edge of my seat, watching all of this go down. I should have brought popcorn!

"Yes I did," Brown Eyes nods, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Which it sort of is. She clearly called the woman a bitch. We're all witnesses.

"Listen here, you inbred skank..." Skirt steps forward and Brown Eyes raises an eyebrow.

"I'm gonna stop you right there, doll face," she smirks. "I've got a temper like no other and you do not want to make me angry."

"I'm so out of this dump!" Skirt turns towards Uncle Charlie. "I can't believe you're still open with this trash working here."

And with that she turns towards Brown Eyes and spits at her feet.

"That's very lady like," Brown Eyes says before stepping around the spit. "You're lucky you missed."

Before Skirt can ask why, Brown Eyes cocks her fist back and punches her square in the face. Skirt is down for the count, laying among the spilt coffee, shattered cups and her saliva as her Bluetooth skids across the floor from the blow. Brown Eyes steps over her nearly unconscious body and picks up her serving tray.

"'Cause instead of breaking your fucking face, I stuck to just your nose." She straightens up and walks over to the counter before turning back. "Good luck covering up those black eyes, doll face."

The shop is quiet as Skirt stands up on wobbly stained heels and grabs her purse with one hand. The other is holding her bloody swollen nose. Before she can make it to the door, someone from across the room starts a slow clap that turns into a full on applause as everyone drops what they have in their hands so they can clap. I set my phone down and have to stop myself from wolf whistling.

Skirt staggers out the door, screeching something about lawsuit.

Brown Eyes climbs onto the counter and gives a deep bow.

_Fuck me. I think I'm in love._

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own it :)**

**Ladies you rock! I went in to reply to everyone's wonderful loving reviews but FF is being a douche once again :( if anyone has any advice on this please PM me. Thanks so much for taking the time out of your days to drop me some love, I really appreciate each and everyone of you.**

**This Brown Eyes totally has my temper.. when I was in high school I served for a few months until I freaked out on a customer to the point of getting banned off of the floor. Just a thought when you're out at a restaurant and your server is clearly busy don't chink your empty glass to get their attention. I'm pretty sure _mr fifteen percent _(the guy that i freaked out on) had a mess to clean up in his pants when I threw my server tray at him and told him "I wasn't a mother fucking octopus!" hehe :) no it didn't come to blows.. but it was close. So close :)  
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**I'd like to pimp my beta extraordinairs short story because I'm in love with it. If you loved the movie Look Who's Talking you'll love the story Who's Your Daddy? by K8ln713 hehe**

**Enjoy the chapter! And if I'm not back tomorrow have an awesome Turkey day.  
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**Chapter Two**

Eventually the crowd dies down.

The caffeine addicts get their coffee and hightail it to their fancy jobs one by one after they get their fix. I watch Brown Eyes laugh with a couple of them that comment on her customer service and a few even joke about hiring her as their personal hit woman. She politely declines and goes back to serving coffee and pastries to everyone.

Except me.

For some reason she steers clear of my table until there is no one left in the establishment except for me, her and Uncle Charlie.

And like an ass I've sat here the entire time.

She says goodbye to a soccer mom named Sadie before turning towards me. "Really? You're still here?" she groans, picking up her server tray and stomping over to me.

I sit up straight because it's all about first impressions.

_Does she realize I pissed off my coworker by texting a quick **'gonna b late. srry'** almost an hour and a half ago? I practically signed a death warrant sending that text for her._

"What can I get for you, Stalkerboy?" she asks, tapping her pen against the small tablet on her tray impatiently.

"Stalkerboy?" I question innocently.

"Yeah. You've been sitting here for almost two hours just watching me. That classifies you as a stalker in my book," she explains.

"Well, I came for some coffee and a pastry, but decided to stay for the show." I sit back and cross my arms. "You've got quite a punch."

"Uh huh and if you don't hurry up and order I'll give you firsthand experience."

There's a tattoo on the inside of her wrist, but I can't get a good look at it because her hands are moving constantly. Tapping the pen against the tray, moving a stray hair behind her ear, fiddling with the string that ties her apron around her waist. She's a restless soul.

"Hello!" she snaps her fingers in front of my face.

_"And the spiderman is always hungry"_? I question, finally getting a full take on her ink.

"Excuse me?" her wrist snaps back to her side.

_"Disintegration_ is one of my favorite albums," I explain lamely.

I'd know those lyrics from anywhere.

She blinks for a second. Probably impressed with my music knowledge.

"Are you going to order something or do I need to kick your ass out of here?" She looks me up and down. "You don't look homeless."

"Why would you care if I was homeless?"

"Because my uncle feeds the less fortunate out the back door. Are you going to order or not?"

"I'll have a black coffee and a puff pastry, please."

She doesn't even write it down. "You sat here for two hours to order a black coffee and a puff pastry?"

I nod.

She huffs indigently and stomps over to the counter.

I can't help but watch her ass as it sways. It's ripe.

"Stop staring at me, Stalkerboy!" she yells.

I blush like a kid and keep my eyes on the table. She slams the cup in front of me so forcefully a quarter of the coffee sloshes over the edge. My pastry looks like someone punched it. I catch her wiping her hand on her apron. The telltale remnants of pastry flakes fall to the floor.

"Enjoy," she grits out, turning back to the counter.

I catch Uncle Charlie looking at me and chuckling.

"This is so not worth it," Brown Eyes groans, hitting her head on the counter repeatedly.

"Oh come on, kiddo. I'm paying you good money and you beat one of my best customers in the face." He pats the back of her head. "Thanks for helping me out."

"That's what family does right?" she asks, her face still pressed against the granite.

"That's right," he laughs. "Now get to the kitchen and start on those dishes for me. I'm an old man and leaning over that sink is rough on my back. Family, remember?"

"Fuck off." She raises one hand and flips him off. "I didn't sign up for bitch work."

I stuff my pastry in my mouth and clank my cup with the tines of my fork. Her head shoots up like a rocket and she glares at Charlie.

"I know that fucker is not trying to beckon me like a fucking cat."

_I'd love to see her pus-_

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, STALKERBOY?" she screams, stomping over to me and snatching the fork out of my hand. She throws it with so much force that it lodges itself into the wall.

"Can I get some more coffee?" I ask, giving her a big friendly smile.

She stomps around the counter to get the pot.

I was going to ask for a to-go cup, but her aggressive display has me in a pickle. Speaking of pickle, I adjust my pants before she heads back my way. She fills my cup.

"Thanks."

I'm shooting for another glare, but the smirk she gives is surprising. Looks like I'm calling into work sick because there's no way I can walk two blocks with the wood this hot head is causing down below.

I take a sip of my coffee.

"I totally spit in that pot," Brown Eyes laughs from the counter.

It's a tinkling sound that makes my insides turn to lava.

_Yep definitely calling out sick._

**Hope you liked it :)**_  
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	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own it **

**Happy Saturday ladies! Sorry I didn't have time to update yesterday. I was busy with Black Friday and writing my new story. Hope this makes up for it **

**Let's meet Alice shall we?**

**Chapter Three**

**Stalkerboy's POV**

The text I receive after informing my coworker that I won't be coming in is scary. I fear for Louie's life.

Luckily Brown Eyes takes pity on her uncle and goes to the back room to wash some dishes. The second she is out of sight, I'm able to control the raging boner she's caused with her angry display. I pay my bill and pull a twenty out of my wallet and ask Uncle Charlie if I can use a pen. He hands me a pencil that looks like it's been gnawed on by a beaver, but I don't care.

Turning away from him I scribble my phone number and her nickname for meon the top of Andrew Jackson's handsome mug. I fold it carefully and set it under my dirty plate before slipping out of the shop and sprinting down the street towards work.

The bell above the door dings loudly.

"Motherfucker you are so dead!" my coworker, Alice, calls from the back room. "You better be glad I love Louie's furry ass or I'd have her hanging from the rafters."

"I'm sorry I had the BG's when I woke up." I grab my smock from behind the counter and wave at one of our regular customers.

"BG's?" Alice asks, walking out of the back room carrying a box of vinyl.

"Bubble guts," I huff out, snatching the box out of her hands. "And what the fuck are you doing carrying shit like this?"

"I'm sorry dad-slash-husband-slash-whoever the fuck you think you are to have superiority over me," she sighs sarcastically. "It's a fifteen pound box of fucking vinyl. You act like I'm carrying bales of hay or some shit. Geez."

"Well once you pop out your little bastard, then you can lift to your heart's content. Until then, tone it down Superwoman. By the way, leave handling the vinyl to me you'll fuck up my system."

"Meow," the ugly ass fur ball laying by the cash register calls.

I lean over and pet her because if I don't, she'll end up following me around and biting the shit out of me until I pay attention to her. "How's it going, Louie baby?" I ask our guard cat, ignoring the heavily pregnant heifer behind me.

I turn towards the shelves that line my side of the store, but she punches me in the back. "That is for calling my baby a bastard. Even though it's true, you don't have to be a douche." A punch to the back of my head. "And that is for your complete retarded-ness. It's Wonder Woman, you dumbass!"

"Oh that's right. Sorry Veronica," I smirk, bracing myself for the blow she delivers to my neck.

I can't help but fuck with my business partner. She's also my half-sister, but we claim nothing. Her last name's Brandon while mine's Masen. Together we make B&M's. It's a large but very narrow store that's pretty much split down the middle. The right side is mine and it's covered with anything music: CDs, old cassettes and, my pride and joy, vinyl. Alice's side is plastered with the likes of Marvel, DC, Darkhorse and, my favorite, Archie. She's even got a little space for the weird anime shit that brings in all kinds of eclectic shoppers. But who am I to judge. I just chugged a cup of coffee that knowingly had someone else's saliva in it. We're all weirdoes in one form or another.

Daddy Whorebucks, _cough cough,_ I mean Edward Masen, Sr. felt guilty about his negligent parenting and decided to buy us this little hole in the wall for our business some years back and we've actually managed to make enough money to pay the bills and keep some for profit.

We hate each other's guts, but that's how we roll.

And before you jump to conclusions, her baby really is a bastard.

Some people shouldn't drink in public; Alice is one of those people. I took her out for B&M's five year anniversary nine months back. Turned my back for three minutes and I didn't see her for a day and a half. She woke up in a hotel, naked, and yours truly had to go pick her ass up.

And yes, yours truly got pictures of her walk of shame.

_Pictures to show the baby when it's old enough to ask how mommy met invisible nonexistent daddy._

I can't help but pick on her for her misfortune. I was the one that drove her to the doctor two months later when she thought her missed monthly gift was due to an STD she'd picked up from mystery dude. Nope. He gave her something, but it wouldn't kill her. Just her bank account.

Insert Uncle Edward and we're one happy dysfunctional duo. Soon to be trio.

I get to work on organizing the new shipment of vinyl that arrived this morning when I hear her yelling from the back room. I ignore her and go back to my filing system.

"Edward!"

….

"Excuse me do you have the Justine Bieber CD?" a little boy asks.

I wanna tell him fuck no, but it's the poppy lame ass shit that keeps my half of the room up and running. I sigh and show him towards the music section aptly named **Bullshi! These Kids Call Music.** I thought it was clever.

I cash out the little boy and watch him run out the door.

"HEY FUCK HEAD!" Alice howls.

"What woman?" I yell, stomping towards the storage room. "I swear to God if it's another spider you need killed, I'm going to squash you instead."

She's squatting on the floor like she's about to take a dump and her face is the color of that fucked up dinosaur that sings on PBS.

"Ungh... I think the bastard's coming," she grunts.

_The fuck?_

**Alice surprised the hell out of me in this one, comic book junkie, one night stand and a baby on the way.. who would a thunk? Eh?. See yah soon**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Hmm so some people like Alice.. some don't.. She's a character for sure.. you just wait until she meets Bella :) Enjoy. **

**As promised I owe a shout out to the lady that makes all of this legible for you. Check out Caitlin's three shot Who's Your Daddy and show her some love so she'll post her new story sooner rather than later!  
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**Chapter Four**

**Stalkerboy's POV**

"I can't believe you defiled my collection of Archie," I whine as Alice is loaded up onto a stretcher.

"I'm just glad it was Archie and not Green Lantern," she mumbles, staring at the EMT that's holding a bundle of what looks like aluminum foil in her arms.

By the time the ambulance showed up, Alice was laying on the dirty floor of the storage area and crowning. I didn't know what it meant until a couple of pushes later the little bastard popped out of her with a loud wail. I didn't witness the birth because I was curled up in a ball in the corner of the room, bawling my eyes out. That shit was traumatizing. Ask anyone in the vicinity of the screaming pile of goo the dude was holding.

I gained a whole new respect for my half-sister and any other woman stupid enough to pop a kid out of a man's playground.

Little bastard is a boy. And she's decided to name him Bruce and no, not after the legend Bruce Springsteen.

No. Bruce Clark Brandon after Batman and Superman's alter egos. The second he popped out, she named him like it came to her the second he arrived. That's when I made the mistake of looking up to question her sanity. I want to invent brain bleach. No man should ever have to see what I saw. Ever. It was just so... no, I won't even go there.

I lock up the store under her instructions and follow the ambulance to the hospital in a cab where Alice and the bastard are admitted. I'm not allowed in the back with them while they get checked over and for that I'm so grateful. I sit, going through the music on my phone and compile a list of names she could have chosen that would be so much better for the poor dude.

I almost knock the murse out when he comes out and calls me daddy.

"Do I look like her man? You fucking sicko!" I stomp past him to the room where all the wailing is coming from.

Alice is sitting on a hospital bed looking all kinds of uncomfortable. She's wearing one of those unflattering hospital gowns, but her rainbow striped socks are still pulled up past her knees. I know for a fact it's because she didn't shave. She always wears her gay socks when she's feeling lazy and seeing as her stomach up until now resembled a beach ball, she couldn't exactly reach.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask, pointing towards the wailing eggplant colored human laying in a plastic bin beside her bed.

He's out of the aluminum foil they had him wrapped in and instead is swaddled in a blue blanket with a tiny ass beanie on his head.

"They just cut his pecker," she explains, pulling Bruce out of his bin and into her arms awkwardly. "Am I doing it right?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" I sit across from her. "You didn't think to give him a choice on whether he wanted to be an uncut warrior or not? Jesus, he's been on the planet for like two hours and you've already cut his manhood."

"They said it was best!" she snaps. "Shut your fucking mouth! It's my son, it's my decision."

I spend the next hour going over names she could have named the poor kid.

"Bono."

"I hate U2," she sighs.

"Um... Billy."

"I've already signed the birth certificate. You're wasting your time."

I almost throw my phone at the wall in frustration because she could have told me that an hour ago when I started this endeavor. The kid is pretty boring. So far he's cried, slept and even fed. The second the nurse untied the back of Alice's gown, I told her I had parked in a doctor's spot and I needed to make sure I didn't get towed.

The nurse bought it.

Alice knows I never drive my car to work, so I had to follow them in a cab that cost me twenty bucks, plus gratuity.

This kid was already getting expensive.

Right now he's swaddled up in his plastic bin with a giant pacifier in his mouth. It's like a magic cork or something. He cries, but the second you place it in his mouth, it gets quiet. I got goose bumps the first time it happened 'cause it freaked me out.

Alice is getting tired and I'm starving to death.

She doesn't want me to leave because she hates hospitals, but I saw what they were serving in the cafeteria. When I asked the woman behind the trough if I could have a pizza delivered, she gave me the stink eye so I bought a bottle of water and a bag of chips that ended up being stale. Alice ate them anyway because she's weird like that.

Saliva riddled caffeine I can do, but stale chips... no

"Hey Edward," Alice yawns.

Apparently birthing a kid makes you tired. I can't imagine 'cause the doctor that came to talk to her said most women are in labor for hours, if not days. Bruce was born wicked fast.

"Yeah?"

"You're gonna help me right?" she asks. "'Cause I don't think I can do this on my own."

I shrug.

_ How hard can helping out with a kid be?_

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Happy Wednesday everyone! I was late for work because I locked my keys in the jeep trying to warm it up because believe it or not Florida is like 45 degrees. What's the weather like where you live? Oh then I tripped over a box in the back room and smacked my head on the water cooler. Good part of today being that my dad is finally coming home from the hospital!**

**Enjoy the chapter!  
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**Chapter Five**

**Stalkerboy's POV**

I was wrong.

Oh so _freaking_ wrong.

Helping out with the demon spawn my half-sister created and brought into the world was worse than getting all of the teeth in my mouth pulled out without Novocain. By an unlicensed dentist. In the back of a flea market. And I fucking agreed to it all willy nilly.

For the first time in five years I regret letting Alice move into my flat. I could deal with her bringing home a man or two, but this is the one guy I wish she'd give the boot.

He cries. Oh God, he cries so fucking much! At all hours of the night and then during the day too.

Alice brings him to work with her because apparently child care for him is too expensive. He cries there, too. I had to result to blaring Ozzy Osbourne to drown him out because he's driving me insane. It sort of freaks out the younger crowd, but I don't give a fuck.

I haven't had time to think about my Brown Eyes, let alone go visit her. It doesn't stop me from dreaming about her snarky ass mouth, but the second I get anywhere in dream land, I'm awakened by my enemy.

But today I've decided that I'm going to visit her. And I even got her a little present to make up for my absence.

It's almost ten AM when I find the store completely empty. I grab my jacket and my present for my favorite waitress and tiptoe towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Alice asks from behind me.

Apparently popping a kid out gives you sonar hearing and impeccable intuition because she's on me like white on rice as of late.

I groan and flop onto the pile of bean bags in the sitting area and wheeze. "Coffee Ali. I need coffee so bad I can taste it."

"I told you I needed you to watch BC while I go for my six week checkup," she snaps. "You're not getting out of it."

"But Ali! Coffee!" I cry.

More like whine, but I'm desperate. And a desperate man cannot be held accountable for his actions.

"Take him with you. His stroller is in the back room."

"What if he cries?" I ask sitting up. "What if he poops?"

I've changed a grand total of half a poopy diaper. Yes half. That kid wiggles like he's high on pixie sticks and his shit is like rancid meat smelling tar, which is surprising seeing as he only drinks boob milk. He zigged, I gagged and the rest was left to his mother 'cause I abandoned his shit covered ass on the changing table.

"I just changed him, Edward. You should be fine," Alice says calmly.

She's lost her spunk lately. We both have due to the mutant that apparently doesn't need as much sleep as I thought. I Googled it and Google let me down. Because he doesn't sleep most of his day away. He fucking cries... _all the time._

"But-"

"I have to go, Edward. They need to make sure my lady bus-"

"La-la-la-I-can't-hear-you-nor-do-I-wish-to-la-la-la!" I plug my ears.

Seriously, she gives birth in the back room and is now entirely too comfortable with personal business. I don't care to know that her nipples are cracking due to the suckification, or the fact that she's cramping like a bitch. I just don't care. Yet she shares it. She shares it all.

I need to find her a friend.

And no she can't have Brown Eyes. She's mine. Fuck Kindergarten 'cause I hate sharing.

"Are you done?" she asks, her foot tapping against the carpet.

"Are you?" I ask apprehensively, removing my fingers from my ears.

"I'll get him ready and in his stroller," she sighs. "My appointment is at eleven thirty, so I need to go soon. I have a customer coming in for that collectable action figure around twelve thirty, one o'clock. Under no circumstances does he touch it before handing over the cash. Understood?"

"Sure. Go get _it_ ready."

She kicks me in the gut and stalks into the storage room because apparently since Bruce was born there, he's allowed to take over. There are diapers, burp clothes, and any other baby related things defiling my stuff with his baby germs.

"Awe we weady to go off wif unka Eddie? Yes we are. Yes we are," Alice sings because she thinks the kid needs to hear her talk like a mentally handicapped person.

"Call me Eddie again and I'll drop him off at the pound," I call as I flip the open sign over.

Alice secures BC in his cage, I mean stroller, before pushing him over to me. "Don't try to feed him anything. If he gets whiny, give him his binky. There's a bottle of breastmilk in the insulated bag in the bottom of the diaper bag."

"Alright Ali. We're going." I set Brown Eyes' present on the sun visor flap thing and push him out the door.

"And please, for the love of God, don't leave him by himself when you go to take a piss!" she calls.

People stare and some of them laugh, but I don't care.

I'm a man on a mission.

I walk past the coffee shop's window twice, peering inside. It's dead except for an old lady munching on a piece of pie, but I'm only looking for one person in particular. I don't see her, but I do need coffee... desperately. Uncle Charlie waves at me as I maneuver the cart inside without the door shutting. He laughs.

"Hey Kiddo you gotta table." He yells.

BC and I sit at the same table that I did all of those weeks ago. He starts to whimper, so I put his magic stopper in his mouth as someone stomps over.

Brown Eyes takes one look inside the stroller and turns to me.

"You weren't sterilized at birth?" she snorts sarcastically.

"He's not mine," I defend pathetically. "I'm watching him for my sister."

"Oh." And then I'm graced with another one of her pretty smirks.

My insides turn to lava again.

_Oh Brown Eyes! How I've missed you._

**lol so next chapter is a look into Brown Eyes eyes.. I think. I'm updating from work on the sly and I don't have time to run and look so I think it might be Brown Eyes POV See you soon!**_  
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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Sorry it's late! I had an impromptu five days in a row off and I've been preparing for Christmas. To make up for it I might post chapter seven either later tonight or tomorrow. **

**Enjoy  
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**Chapter Six**

**Brown Eyes POV**

"Stop staring out the window, kid. You've probably scared him off with your warm and welcoming façade," Uncle Charlie laughs from behind the counter.

"Fuck off. I'm only looking to see if we're going to get any rain today," I lie pathetically.

"Uh huh. You've been staring out that window every day for the past five weeks and the forecast says we shouldn't anticipate any rain any time soon, just like it did yesterday and the day before that. Come up with another lie, girl," he snorts. "We both know what you've been looking out that window for."

I flip him off, but don't turn away from the window.

Six weeks.

He's wrong. It's been six weeks since I started staring out the window for the man that infuriates me, yet I can't seem to get his handsome face out of my head. I figured Stalkerboy would come back the next day because he seemed turned on by the fact that I treated him like dirt. Some people like to dress up like animals to get their freak on and some people like to be treated badly. What can you do?

Uncle Charlie tells me that I remind him of a porcupine.

I give off the _don't fuck with me_ demeanor, but all I really want is a cuddle.

Sometimes when I get out of hand with my attitude, he makes me hug it out with him and I think he might be right. I do like to cuddle. Too bad the last couple of guys I've dated are fucking douchebags.

I'm currently doing time at the coffee shop because Uncle Charlie has offered to help me pay off the incredible amount of debt one Jacob Black left me when he decided to up and leave me in an expensive apartment with a shit load of rent to own junk I never wanted to have to begin with. To make matters worse, the fucker took my PlayStation, my record player and all of my vinyl. He also took my guitar, but I don't know how to play, so I don't really care.

Mess with a girl's credit and you're digging a hole. Steal a girl's prized collection of vinyl and you're writing yourself a death wish.

_Oh Jacob Black... I hope you rot in the bottom of a sewer among the rodents you call family._

He left one thing though. Either because he couldn't fit it in his shithole of a car or because he knew it was my favorite. I'm going to go with the first because other than the sex, Jake didn't seem to care about anything to do with me. Even in bed he didn't exactly care about my likes, my dislikes or my needs and wants.

When I came home from a hard day of learning at the community college to find the eviction notice and the collection of bills from the rental company, something changed inside of me. Uncle Charlie says when he came to help me pack up what little I had to call my own and bring me back to this rinky dink town I was a different person.

I used to be bubbly, popular cheerleader Bella. But when I found _Disintegration_ sitting in its jeweled case on the expensive rented coffee table with a Dixie cup of fruit punch on it, preppy Bella died. And in her place snarky Bella was born.

She's got a scary as hell attitude and punches rich bitches over spilled coffee. She throws change at customers that think leaving a couple of quarters on the table is a good tip for having to deal with their pathetic caffeine crazed asses.

Uncle Charlie says she just wants to be loved and he might be right.

When I found the twenty dollar bill under the saucer after Stalkerboy left, she wanted to post his phone number on Craigslist.

But she didn't.

Instead it's sitting in the bottom of my apron pocket because deep down she just wants to be loved. But she's scared. Oh so scared. And not even Uncle Charlie's hugs can make her feel safe.

A great man once sang, _"All you need is love,"_ but love doesn't pay the bills.

My new snarky attitude is a hit with the boring business men and their unrequited feelings because they slip phone numbers in with their gracious tips as they leave. I've only kept one, but I haven't used it.

I'm about ready to call the number and ask Stalkerboy where the fuck he's been when I hear the oven go off in the back.

"Thank fucking God!" I groan, running to the kitchen and ignoring the old lady in the corner of the room who's giving me dirty looks.

_Freedom of speech people!_

I pull my cranberry muffins out of the oven with a sigh because I really needed them this morning. I had to make Uncle Charlie a batch of double chocolate chip as payment for letting me use the kitchen, but it's his fault because he wanted to come to work early to do paperwork. He's my ride, so I didn't have a choice and I enjoy baking, so it's not exactly payment. More like free reign.

"Hey kiddo." he calls from the front because apparently he's too fucking lazy to come back here.

I know he's calling me because I have a customer. I sigh and take a giant bite out of my muffin, even though it's fucking hot, before walking out to the floor.

There he is.

He's leaning over a baby carriage.

My heart sinks and new Bella chuckles because she totally saw it coming. All the good ones are either taken or gay. I shake it off and walk over to the table. I take a peek over the carriage and decide to make a joke of it. He's quick to correct my assumption and the saying is true.

'Cause I kind of feel like an ass for assuming.

"Oh," is my awesome response because I didn't study English literature for nothing.

**Brown Eyes will pop up a little here and there. See you soon ladies.**

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	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**I barely replied to any reviews because I planned on updating last night... then I got side tracked and distracted and forgot. Sooo here I am at work sneaking the lappy so that I can bring you a chappy. Everyone seemed to love this Bella and this Edward. I do too  
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**Enjoy  
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**Chapter Seven**

**Stalkerboy POV**

Her blush makes me want to do ungentlemanly things to her, but who am I kidding? Everything she does makes me want to do ungentlemanly things to her. Can you blame me though? I mean really... she is just asking to be bent over one of these shabby tables and forced into submission.

"Stalkerboy, if you don't stop staring at my tits, I'm going to stab your eyeballs out with this fork," Brown Eyes scolds, her face flush, but it's not from embarrassment because someone like her doesn't embarrass easily.

_I bet I could embarrass her._

She comes at me with the fork, but I grab her tattoo covered wrist to stop her from poking my eyes out because if she riddles me blind, I won't be able to see her pretty face.

I tell her that and her efforts double .

It's her fault that my eyes can't remain at face level with her.

She's wearing a Rolling Stones classic shirt. You know the one with the mouth? And the tongue? Never have I ever been jealous of a T-shirt before and this one is vintage. It's got small age holes along the seams and she's cut the neck out so that one sleeve hangs off her shoulder, showing off tantalizing freckled skin. It dips low, accentuating her impeccable cleavage.

_I wanna motorboat them sumbitches._

"You're such a jerk." She crosses her arms covering up my new favorite toys.

_And I haven't even gotten a chance to play with them yet._

I pout.

"Your pout makes you look like a duck," she snorts.

I've managed to convince her into having lunch with me. It was no small feat, but I was able to with the help of Uncle Charlie. He practically ripped her apron off of her waist when I asked her to sit down with me. She wasn't happy, but it's cool.

I pick up BC because ladies like kids and I want to impress her.

I catch a whiff of something rank and hold him at arm's length.

"Ugh, she promised!" I yell.

BC starts to wail and the old lady across the floor frowns at me.

"What is it?" Brown eye's asks worriedly.

"Alice promised me he wouldn't shit until she got back from her stupid hooha doctor," I explain.

My comment earns one of her rare smirks and I don't even know why. What's cute about a fucking devil spawn shitting his pants?

"Geez dude. Babies don't have a set timer. They kind of run on their own schedule." She stands up. "Here. Give him to me."

"No." I move BC around so that she can't grab him, but she's quick.

Like fucking lightning.

In a matter of a few seconds, he's out of my grasp and into her arms. She nuzzles the stinky rodent against her face, shushing him... and the little shit calms down like he's got his magic cork shoved in his face. Little fucker.

And he burrows into her chest looking for the source.

I repress a growl, but Brown Eyes notices my attitude change. "I'll take him and change his diaper if you'd like."

"You know how to change a diaper?"

"Duh. I used to babysit during high school for pocket money," she explains, holding out her hand. "Give me his bag."

I wordlessly hand over the diaper bag and watch her take the baby to the bathroom. When they return, he's happily nestled in her arms and she's got a freaking smile that lights up the whole damn room.

And in that moment, I realize that Brown Eyes' kryptonite is babies.

Of all the fucking things in the world it has to be the one thing I sort of can't stand? Really? I mean, come on!

She sits across from me. "He's pretty cute."

"Sure." I stab the ice cold omelet with a spoon because she took my fork when I started clanging it against my coffee cup while she was occupied with the old lady in the corner.

It missed the wall and I got a great view of her ass when she crawled under the booth to get it.

She turns back to her salad, all while holding my mortal enemy. Who keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye as he burrows into her fun bags.

_Yeah, I see you, fucker._

"What's that?"

"What's what?" I ask, glaring at my nephew.

"This." She grabs her gift off the top of the stroller and flips it around. "A record?"

Her confusion breaks me out of my stone face.

"Uh huh. I figured since I've been away for a while I'd bring you a present to make up for missing my handsome face." I pout to show off my duck face.

"Really?" She's so cute. "I love presents, but really?"

I nod.

She sets BC back into his cart and I shove the stopper into his mouth before he can make a peep. I watch her flip the paper bag covered record over and over until she finds the scotch tape holding it closed. She gives me a apprehensive look and I nod encouragingly.

Her finger slips under the fold and she lifts it to her nose. "Smells old," she says after a long whiff.

"The best ones are, Brown Eyes."

She pulls the sleeve out the wrong way so she's looking at the back art, but she recognizes it immediately.

_"Disintegration,"_ she mumbles, running her hand over the album art.

_"'I think it's dark and it looks like rain,' you said," _I recite.

It's a test.

_"'And the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world,' you said,"_ she replies so quietly, I almost don't even hear it.

One thought goes through my head.

_She passed._

**The end of this chapter gives me goosebumps *shivers***

**Disintegration is one of the best albums EVER! The lyrics are the opening lines of the first song on the album it's called Plain Song. I am a huge fan of The Cure and know pretty much all of the lyrics by heart because they are that good. What's your favorite band? Song? Album? Genre?  
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	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Chapter Eight**

**Brown Eye's POV**

Disintegration…_ he fucking bought me _Disintegration.

When I finish reciting the lyric he started from the first track of the album, his smile is beautiful. All lopsided and handsome. I'm sure he practiced that shit as a teenager. Probably got plenty of ass with that smile.

"Do I get a thank you Brown Eyes?" he asks hopefully.

"Thanks Stalkerboy." I'm still in shock.

No one's ever bought me music before.

There's a weird tingly sensation in the corner of my eyes. New Bella starts freaking out.

_Is this a beginning sign that you're having a stroke?_

"I'm going to go get you some more coffee," I say quickly, up on my feet and halfway across the room before I finish the sentence.

Uncle Charlie gives me a worried look as I throw the swinging door that leads to the kitchen open. My chest is hurting and my nose feels stuffy, like I'm getting a cold. My eyes are still freaking tingling.

"You alright, kiddo?" he asks, not hiding the fact that he's eating one of my muffins.

"Uh... I don't know," I groan, clutching the album to my chest and pressing my free hand into my eye.

I feel something moist and pull my hand away, thinking that I'm bleeding from my eyeballs. But it's clear, water-like and making my palm shimmer under the fluorescent lights that hang from the ceiling.

"What the fuck is this?" I cry out.

Uncle Charlie pulls my hand to his face, still chewing might I add. He ponders for a second, looks at what I'm clutching to my chest.

"The boy give you that?" he asks.

I nod.

_Why the fuck are my eyes leaking?_

Uncle Charlie doesn't say anything. Instead he opens his arms and pulls me into his fluffy chest.

"They're tears, kiddo." He pats my back. "That boy's breaking you out of your armadillo shell."

_Huh. Tears._

I'm crying. I can't remember the last time I cried. The first time I heard _Here Comes Irregular_ by The Replacements when I was seventeen and was going through my dad's old music maybe. I didn't cry when I came home and found that Jake had abandoned me. I didn't cry when I realized he took every album I worked hard to collect, including a copy of the one that I'm holding against me.

But now I am.

"How's it feel?" Uncle Charlie asks after a minute.

"What?" I sniffle, pulling away so that I can wipe the faucet that was once my nose on a towel.

"To feel? You haven't shown any emotion in the three months you've been here. How's it feel to have your walls come down a little?"

I lean against the compartment sink and ponder for a second.

"Sort of like I'm standing in front of important people in the buff," I squirm. "I don't think I like it."

"It's part of being human, kiddo. You gotta let those walls come down sometime." He smiles and wipes under my eye. "Otherwise you'll end up fat and alone, running a coffee shop while your brother lives the life you wanted."

"Mom and Dad live unbearably boring lives, Uncle Charlie. Why do you think I called you instead? And I don't have a brother."

"Semantics." He rolls his eyes. "You better get back out there before the boy thinks you're mental."

I walk over to the door with a giggle. "But I am mental."

Stalkerboy looks like I kicked his puppy when I walk up to the table holding a fresh pot of coffee.

"Why are your eyes red?" he asks, a crease forming in between his brows.

"What? Oh, my uncle burned something in the kitchen and it's smoky back there." I cough for good measure.

He can probably tell I'm lying, but he doesn't say anything. I set the carafe down on the table and take my seat. The Italian dressing has started to separate in my salad, but that's okay. I wasn't hungry to begin with and I don't particularly like salad. I only got it because Stalkerboy gives off that vibe that he's into girls that eat like rabbits and I stupidly wanted to impress him.

"You don't like it." His frown deepens and he begins to ramble. "I just thought that you would like it because of your tattoo and your shirt. I own a shop a couple blocks away. You can come in and trade it. Anything you want."

"Why would I want to trade it in?" I ask, realizing then that I'm still holding it. I set it on the table. _"Disintegration_ is the first album I ever bought."

"Of course you would already have it," he whines, face palming.

"No, I don't." I pause. "It was lost. And I haven't had a chance to find a replacement."

He looks at me apprehensively between two spread fingers. "Really?"

"Why would I lie to you, Stalkerboy?" I ask, using his previous words. "Thank you. I really love it."

"You're welcome." His smile is radiant. I can practically see his pearly white molars that's how wide it is. "It's the deluxe edition."

"I noticed," I chuckle. "So you own a music shop? That's cool."

"It is cool. I actually share the shop with BC's mom. My part is the better half of course... all music," he smiles. "Alice is your typical comic book junkie."

"Like Green Lantern and The Flash?" I lean forward, allowing my inner geek to escape.

"Yeah, BC was actually named after Batman and Superman's alter egos," he chuckles sadly. "Lately business has been falling short, so she's started to dabble in a little action fig-" He looks down at his phone. "HOLY SHIT!"

"Oh dude!" Stalkerboy cries out as he gathers up the baby stuff and throws a bill on the table. "I was supposed to be at the shop twenty minutes ago to meet with a collector. She's gonna kill me."

He doesn't say bye as he hurries out the door.

_Okay then._

__**lol. how ridiculous. Not knowing what tears are. Bitch definitely has some issues that even Dr. Phil wouldn't touch. I feel like these chapters are moving at a snails pace but I promise it speeds up a little later. See you soon  
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	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Everyone thought Edward forgot the baby back at the coffee shop. Sorry to disappoint but even he isn't that stupid.. okay maybe he is.. just read lol. Sorry this is so late I've been a wee bit busy. Hopefully I'll have time to update tomorrow. Fingers crossed**

**Um so someone recommended me over at the Lemonade Stand for Recommended story so if you'd pop in over there and vote for me I'll love you unconditionally! I've never won anything before. The poll will be over in two days.  
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**Chapter Nine**

**Stalkerboy POV**

_Ahh! Brown Eyes' constantly causing trouble and she doesn't even realize it._

I run so fast I'm pretty sure BC can feel the G-force in his little chubby cheeks. But he doesn't cry, so I don't stop until I'm running smack into the store, unlocking it like the nerd that I was supposed to meet will be inside waiting.

The door opens without my key and I maneuver the stroller inside without even thinking of a possible burglary going on.

Louie is prowling along the one window above the register surprisingly stealth for something her size. The window is tiny and she's massive yet she's never fallen.

There's giggling. It's happening in the back of the store. It's the same sound the little bubblegum pop princesses make when they come in asking for the new Beyoncé CD or something of equal shit value. Seeing as the store is supposed to be vacant at this hour, I'm afraid that it's going to be something off of those late night ghost hunting stories that I'm addicted to and a little girl is going to pop up holding a bouncy ball, asking me to play with her.

_Yes, I have a vivid imagination._

I pull BC out of his stroller because I read somewhere that ghosts like pure sacrifices. If a ghost comes at me, I hope they like stinky newborns 'cause I'm going to chuck the baby at him. Even if they don't have a taste for little shit monsters, it will be a great distraction. There's a church right down the road. I'm sure I can make it.

"Oh stop it!"

"Alice?" I call, my voice full of surprise.

"Edward?" There's a thud, a small masculine chuckle and then she appears. "What are you doing here?"

"You wanted me to come meet with your geek twenty minutes ago about some doll or something," I explain, wondering if she's hit her head, or been abducted by aliens.

_Anything is possible when we're talking about Alice._

"You're freaking late! Thank _Jack Kirby_ I got out of my appointment early or I would of lost that sale. Thanks for nothing, dick." She stomps her foot.

_"Jack Kirby?"_

"Only the best, most artistic and respected comic artists," a greasy haired hipster looking motherfucker says as he exits the back room.

The back room that clearly says _Employees Only._

"I resent that previous comment. Call me a nerd, but never, _ever_ call me a geek," he sniffs as he sidles up beside Alice before I receive a death glare. "And they are collectible action figures. Not dolls. Have some respect, man."

"Okay," I sigh because pulling a Brown Eyes and punching this fuck face in his greasy nose won't do anything for my morale.

"Edward, this is Jasper," Alice says, reaching over and brushing grease boys shoulder affectionately.

"Jasper, this is my half brother and business partner Edward." She doesn't turn from the loser. "Jasper just came to pick up the mint condition-"

"I'm going to stop you right there," I snort, passing the baby into her surprised hands. "Find another babysitter 'cause I'm out."

"Why? What happened?" she asks worriedly, looking from BC and then back to me.

"He shit his diaper, Ali. I was in an-"

_Damn it._

"I was with someone and he embarrassed the hell out of me, that's what happened!" I cry out, remembering the utterly pitiful look Brown Eyes gave me when I realized BC shit himself.

"Where were you, Edward?" Alice asks, stepping towards me.

"At the coffee shop." I hang my head. "I was talking to a girl at the coffee shop."

"Aww, Edward that's great!" She slaps my shoulder playfully. "Who is she? What's she like? Does she listen to the emo shit you call music? Oooh does she like comics?"

I clamp my hand over her mouth.

"None of your damn business. Stay the hell away from the coffee shop and leave it alone or I'll shred your 1940 Batman No. 2. Understood?"

Her eyes go wide and she nods behind my hand.

I decide that I should let go before she licks me because Alice is a fucking freak and I wouldn't put it past her to do something disgusting like that.

"That's blasphemy!" Casper or Assper, whatever the fuck his name is, gasps. "That copy is almost priceless."

"Oh I know. That's why it's locked in a high security safe at my bank." Alice points to me. "This ass muncher couldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole, even if he had the idiocy to break into the vault."

His eyes glaze over.

I sort of feel like I'm witnessing something intimate.

_Ew._

"Well it was nice meeting you, whatever the fuck your name is. Ali, it looks like you got this for the day. Make sure you double check the books before you cash any of the discount items out." I wave. "I'm out of here."

"Bu-but- Jasper asked me out to a late lunch as payment for being late," she pouts.

Even though we share my father's genes, she sure as hell doesn't look like a fucking duck. I let my face fall for a second before smiling brightly.

"Here's a thought," I snap my fingers.

Alice perks up.

"Go fuck yourself. I watched the brat for you, you get to watch the store until closing. I'm going to go home and watch a couple of reruns of Ghost Hunters." She opens her mouth and I pull a card from my _What would Brown Eyes do?_ box.

"Fuck off!" I call, making her man child jump.

And before she can come at me, I lift both hands and flip the both of them off before high tailing it out of the shop. Rather than turning right towards my house, I turn left because I've waited long enough.

_I'm gonna ask Brown Eyes out on a date._

**I'm so making old school WWJD bracelets that say WWBED instead. lol.  
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	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Omg you ladies are so funny. I looked into the bracelets.. it was late and I don't really know if I placed an order or not. I guess I'll wait for a phone call lol. If they are cheep enough maybe I'll do a contest to give them away.**

** A couple of people are excited for Alice and Brown Eyes to meet.. let's just say it's going to be powerful *wink*. **

http:/www(dot)tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com/?zx=f6adc45560ca45a

**I got nominated for something over at the lemonade stand. If it's not too much to ask I'd really appreciate the votes  
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**Chapter Ten**

**Stalkerboy POV**

I should have known Brown Eyes wasn't an easy woman to uphold.

She's rock hard on the outside and I'm not an idiot, I knew she was crying when I gave her that album. Lucky for her, I run from anything and everything to do with a crying woman, so I didn't call her out or anything. Growing up with emotional geeky ass Ali, I had to learn to pick my battles because a crying woman always wins.

_Even if she glued glitter onto your CD collection so that she could hang them from her ceiling._

Oh, I got back at her for that one by lighting her box of Thor comics on fire with a Zippo and some lighter fluid, but still. Her crying got her out of being grounded while I spent three weeks in purgatory. Three weeks of chores and, when I had a moment that daddy dearest wasn't riding my ass, I got to peel the glitter and glue off of each CD by hand. Let's not even bring up my mother and her emotional problems every time my father didn't return home in time for dinner or came home smelling like bar skank.

Tears are not my forté and as much as I'd like to get to know Brown Eyes, hers aren't any different.

Right now she's crying, but it's not because she's sad or because I just gave her a fuck awesome gift like _Disintegration._

"You want to go out with me?" she snorts, wiping her eyes once she has had her laughs.

One hand is holding her side because apparently me asking her out has put her in stitches.

I nod.

"What makes you think I want to go out with you Stalkerboy?" she asks, wiping her eyes, a mean smile on her red face.

"Um... 'cause," I stupidly answer because I'm sort of in shock.

_Never had a chick laugh at a date invitation before._

My larger than normal ego is a bit wounded.

"'Cause? Come on your going to have to do better than that." She clutches her side and breaks out into yet another fit of laughter. "'Cause."

I take a quick glance at Uncle Charlie and he gives me the thumbs up and a knowing smile. And then he makes this weird pushing gesture like he's trying to be a mime or some shit.

_How in the hell is a thumbs up, a smile and a fucking mute gesture supposed to help me out? I never learned sign language. Just the dirty words._

Brown Eyes lets out a snort and covers her mouth with her hand in embarrassment.

_Bingo!_

"You sound like a pig," I poke fun at her animalistic sound because she made fun of my animalistic facial expression earlier.

Her eyes narrow. "For someone trying to get a date, you sure as hell aren't getting anywhere with insults. I'm not that type of girl, Stalkerboy."

"Bu-but," I stutter before slumping in defeat.

I'm sweating like a prepubescent geek-excuse me nerd stuck with the head cheerleader during an enduring game of Seven Minutes in Heaven. I haven't stuttered since third grade when daddy bought me a speech therapist to help with my impediment.

_Brown Eyes is putting all that money to waste._

"But what? You thought you could just waltz in here and ask me out and because you brought me a record, you thought that I'd grovel at your feet?" She stands up with a serious expression on her still smiling face. "That I'd get on my hands and knees and suck you off because you brought me something you probably didn't even have to pay for?"

_Suck me off? I'm pretty sure I'd remember saying that... right?_

"Whoa whoa whoa!" I hold my hands up in surrender. "I'd never degrade your honor with such crass thinking."

And she's on the floor, holding her side and laughing her head off again. "Who the fuck talks like that? Degrade my honor? What is this the nineteenth century?"

I turn to Uncle Charlie for a little guidance.

This time I get two fucking thumbs up.

_Yeah, sit on one and rotate asshole._

"Degrade my honor," she snickers.

And despite the teasing and merciless laughter right in front of my face, I find myself even more turned on than before I saw her punch Skirt all those weeks ago. Luckily I'm sitting down. Because these slacks do nothing to conceal the anaconda fighting its way out of my pants.

Oh, but I didn't calculate Brown Eyes falling to the floor in her bout of hysteria.

She sits up.

She's right beside where I'm sitting.

Head level with my boner.

Her eyes go wide.

I debate whether or not I should cover him with my hands because that could unintentionally make me look like a fucking pervert.

_I mean, I'm a pervert, but still grabbing your stiffy in front of a lady that's not about to grab it, too, is just unethical._

My ego is now the size of one of those grains of rice that the inbred carnies write people's names on for money at the county fair. All because a chick saw my boner at the most inopportune time.

I stand up... with difficulty.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go." I adjust my pants because she's already seen it. Might as well make sure I don't break it trying to walk home. "Go dig a hole in the east cemetery and bury myself alive. Yep. Nice knowing you."

Before I can make it to the door she calls my name. Well the name she's given me.

Her voice holds no laughter this time.

It would probably be a bad idea to turn around, but I can't fucking help it. She's like a siren.

I turn around.

She's still wiping her joyful tears from her eyes.

"Pick me up here at seven."

"Why? Pity?"

"Because it wouldn't be smart to tell my stalker where I live," she smiles. "Now would it?"

**I think the next chapter is my favorite so far. You might have to wait until Monday for it though. I'm pulling a double tomorrow and my dad's going in for surgery on Tuesday so everything is pretty much crazy around my house. See you soon**!

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	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Alright ladies let's see how bad these two can fuck up a date. I think this date lasts three chapters if not four so I'll try to post them quickly. Right now I'm sneaking my laptop at work and I'm pulling a double so no promises. If the hospital has wifi I'll see you tomorrow.**

**this chapter is dedicated to alexandra76 for being an awesome lady. Your PM's and encouragement brought tears to my eyes and made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Thank you so much and I hope you're doing well  
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**Chapter Eleven**

**Stalkerboy POV**

It's 8:01.

She's late.

Brown Eyes is _so_ motherfucking late and our reservations at the restaurant on the pier are gone. Some old sleaze ball and his punctual date are probably eating _my_ lobster tail right fucking now.

And where am I?

I'm sitting my frozen ass on the stoop in front of the coffee shop like an idiot.

I probably should have left at seven thirty because any natural person would realize they were being stood up thirty minutes after their date didn't show. But not this guy. No. He decides to give her five more minutes. _Six motherfucking times._

Oh and he's pissed. So fucking pissed.

First she laughs at him when he asks her out and then she gets his hopes up.

And now he sits in front of their meeting place, decapitating the bundle of Kaffir lilies he picked up on the way to meet her. Their petals surround him until he realizes he's holding just stems in his cold ass hands because he was so excited to meet her, he forgot his fucking gloves. And then he realizes that he's thinking of himself in third person like a fucking egotistical maniac and starts beating the shit out of the pavement with the stems of what used to be beautiful flowers.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I mutter, watching the stems of the flowers turn to mush as I ground them into the pavement. "Should have fucking known."

"Should have known what?"

"Should have known she was gonna stand me up, that's fucking what." I toss the stems hard, but the wind catches them and practically throwing them back at my face. "OW!"

"What if she was super sorry for being… almost an hour late? Her phone died and she forgot to tell her uncle what time she was leaving, so he didn't remind h- Wait, why are we talking in third person?"

"Because she's fucking late. Duh." I stand up and stomp on the stems.

And then I realize that I'm not alone. I whirl around to find Brown Eyes looking all kinds of hot in her wool coat, holy jeans and those red shoes that make her feet look elfin. She's wearing makeup that makes her eyes look big and shimmery. Her glove covered hands are in the pockets of her coat because she remembered to grab them.

I scowl at her. "You're late."

"I'm sorry," she smirks. "I told you that already, but you were preoccupied with killing the poor innocent flowers."

"Yeah, they were for you." I cross my arms with a huff. "You made us miss our reservations. I paid the hostess top dollar and now we don't get lobster."

"That's sort of a blessing in disguise 'cause I'm allergic to shellfish." She shrugs. "I am sorry. I left my charger here at the shop and didn't realize until my phone took its last breath. "

"There aren't any clocks in your house?" I ask immaturely.

"No, it's my uncle's house and for some reason he doesn't have any." She crosses her arms. "If I wanted to stand you up, I wouldn't be here right now, so lose the attitude Stalkerboy. You're starting to piss me off."

"Oh!" I cackle. _"You're_ pissed off? Try sitting here for an hour. An hour! My hands are about to fall off because I forgot my gloves."

"And that's my fault how?" she taps her foot in question.

"Because you made me wait an hour! If you were on time, I would be in my car all warm and toasty." I repress the urge to say 'duh'.

"Ok," she sighs. "Why didn't you just sit in your car if you planning on waiting?"

"Because," I defend.

"Because?" She's got that evil fucking smirk on her face again.

"Because I didn't think about it, okay. I was upset." I sit back down on the frozen stoop. "I thought you were standing me up."

"Oh, Stalkerboy," she chuckles, sitting next to me.

"You hurt my feelings," I sniff cause it's no doubt I picked up pneumonia waiting for her.

"I said I was sorry. What can I do to make up for my lack of punctuality?"

I shrug.

"What if I let you feel me up?" she queries.

"This is serious, Brown Eyes," I snap.

"Well it's cold and I'm not going to grovel. I said I was sorry, so either get over it of don't." She stands up. "Either way I'm going to need a ride back to my uncle's, so you're going to have to give me a ride."

"I don't want to," I pout.

"You look like a duck," she chuckles, holding her hand out. "Come on. This date hasn't started off perfectly, but so far it's my favorite."

"Who said it was still a date?"

She waves her arm. "I say it is."

I take her warm hand and stand up, but I don't let go because my fingers really are fucking cold and hers are warm. She rubs them between hers and leans down and breaths warm air making my skin tingle.

"How's it your favorite if it hasn't started yet?"

_She could blow on something else to make up for being late._

Yeah, I'm not really that angry anymore. Just a little butt hurt.

"Well, for one, I've never wanted to murder my date because he's absolutely infuriating," she giggles. "And two, it's not often I find my date destroying the flowers he intended on giving me."

"Well I was angry."

"I know, but I'm not going to apologize anymore." She leads me to my car.

I open her door for her, but she doesn't get inside. Instead she moves in and kisses my ice cold cheek.

"Thanks for waiting for me, Stalkerboy," she murmurs before sliding into the passenger seat and closing the door.

I pull the girly move and touch my cheek where her lips were just planted.

Just one question riddles my mind as I round the car.

_Where the fuck are we going to go?_

**Oh this date is going to be such a train wreck. Hang on chickadees it's going to be a hilariously bumpy ride. **

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	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**My ****dad made it out of surgery just fine but they had to cut him a little more than they said they would so I spent fourteen hours in the surgery waiting room without internet because the nurse wouldn't give me the pass code. I didn't get anything done because I was running on three hours of sleep. I'm still zombiefied today but I got coffee and the addicts are in a Christmas mood.**

**If you read the summary and that's what hooked you into this story then this is the moment you've all been waiting for. Since I was gone for a day or two I'm going to update tomorrow. **

**A couple of people have asked if they know each others names yet and I haven't had any time to reply to reviews. No they don't, that's part of the beauty of this dysfunctional duo. It will come up much later.  
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**Enjoy**

**Chapter Twelve**

**Brown Eyes POV**

_My poor pitiful Stalkerboy_

He stomps around the front of his car and gets in without saying a word. I watch him fumble with his keys because his fingers are probably numb from the cold. I feel badly for him, but the idiot could have gotten in the damn car to wait.

It means a lot that he waited for me. I practically ran the half a mile here because Uncle Charlie was sauced on the weird ass moonshine he makes out back that I'm not even sure is supposed to be consumable. It didn't stop me from taking a shot before I took off down the street and I'm not dead yet, so I guess we're good.

I'd expected to arrive at the coffee shop and find it vacant, but there he was, sitting on the stoop destroying what was once a really beautiful bouquet of flowers and muttering to himself like a crazed lunatic. I expected him to give me a hard time, but I can't stand the woe-is-me attitude, so I nipped that shit in the bud quickly.

He doesn't know that I heard him mumble something about me blowing him.

_Silly Stalkerboy. That's a fifth date occurrence._

"Are you too warm?" he asks nervously, taking a look at my face. "You look flushed."

"Oh no. I'm good." I hold my hands in front of the vent. "So where are we going?"

"We don't really have much to choose from," he mutters.

"Well even if I was on time, we wouldn't have been able to eat at the pier because, again, I'm allergic to shellfish." I let out a sigh before I see something promising. I point in its direction. "Pull in here."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am, Stalkerboy. This is where I want to go."

"But-" He scowls at the establishment as he parks out front.

"What? Do you have a problem with this place?"

He shakes his head and gets out.

He doesn't open my door for me because I'm not into that shit. Chivalry is cool and all, but women have hands and feet; they can do that shit themselves. I take his hand in mine because he doesn't have gloves and he seems to thaw out a little.

"I've never been here for a date," he chuckles bitterly.

"It's my favorite place in the entire world," I smile and reach for the door before he can.

We stand outside for a second arguing about who will go first because he's trying to be a gentleman and I'm trying to give him a hard time. We pass under the Golden Arches and make it to a cash register where a very bored soul is sitting on a stool.

"Welcome to McDonalds. What can I get for you?" he asks in between yawns.

Stalkerboy looks up at the menu with a frown and gestures for me to go ahead.

"I'll have a number one, extra sauce. Make it a large, no salt on the fries and instead of a soda, can I get a chocolate milkshake?"

The guy nods.

"And one of those cinnamon bun bowl things. Yeah," I add.

Stalkerboy chuckles. "You're going to eat all of that?"

"Hell yes," I nod. "What are you going to get?"

"A hot chocolate." He looks back up at the menu. "I don't really know what I want."

"Don't you come to McDonalds?" He shakes his head. "Not even as a kid?" Another shake. "Holy shit."

"What? This food isn't very healthy. I saw this documentary on a happy meal that this dude kept in his kitchen for like months or years and it looked the same as-"

"Stop right there," I cut him off. "I've heard these myths and I don't believe them."

I turn to the poor guy behind the counter that's watching our interaction with mild interest. "Just give him the same thing."

"That will be $19.01."

"That's it?" Stalkerboy asks in weird fascination as he pulls his wallet out.

The guy nods while I suppress a giggle.

Our food is ready in less than five minutes and we find a secluded table between the bathrooms and the ball pit because I don't want to be anywhere near either. I divvy the food up and watch Stalkerboy pick up a French fry between two fingers.

"So much grease," he puckers his face.

"Here... put some corn syrup on it," I chuckle, setting one of ten little cups of ketchup in front of him.

He dips the tip and takes the tiniest bite out of the fry.

"Good?" I ask as I pile French fries onto a layer of my Big Mac.

"It's okay," he shrugs before grabbing three fries and shoving them into his mouth.

"Liar." I bump him with my shoulder. "You can admit that you like it. It won't hurt."

"Alright. I like it."

"Now let's try the Big Mac."

He practically inhales his Big Mac and fries before turning to the cinnamon bowl.

To an onlooker he looks like a guy with a serious case of the munchies.

"Why are you laughing?" he asks, spooning chocolate milkshake into his mouth because he couldn't get any using a straw.

"Because you're cute. That's all."

_"Cute,"_ he mumbles. "That's not what I was going for."

"Oh shut up!" I slap his shoulder. "If you need an ego boost, you picked the wrong girl."

"I did, huh?" I nod. "Okay."

"So. You asked me out on this date and so far I've broken your McDonald's virginity. Which in this day and age is blasphemy," I snort. "What was your motive?"

"Who said I had a motive?" he asks.

"Why'd you ask me out, Stalkerboy?"

"That's simple," he shrugs turning to me. "I wanted to get into your pants."

I don't think before I act. I punch the fucker in his mouth. And he has the gall to look surprised when I pull my arm back.

_How dare he?_

__**So yes I did edit the wording a little bit from the summary to the actual story but that's only because people are still reporting people like the douches they are and I wanted to slide in under the radar. I happen to like the story more than the summary.. it seems more fitting for Brown Eyes  
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**Million cool points to the people that can spot the Twilight shout out somewhere in there. ****I've never had a big mac with meat but I LOVE a meatless big mac piled high with unsalted fries. Don't knock it till you try it. great now I'm hungry. *insert sad face* What's your favorite menu item from Mcdonalds? mine is the shamrock shake they have around St. Patrick's day. Yum.**_  
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	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**SEE! I can' keep a promise! And I even replied to everyone's reviews from yesterday *pats self on back* **

**Enjoy!  
><strong>

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Stalkerboy POV**

She's stomping down the sidewalk, muttering to no one in particular as she heads back into town. My car is going negative one mile an hour because I'm trying to keep at her pace so that I can convince her to get inside. My lip now resembles Rocky Balboa's after he got the shit beat out of him. I'd call "_Adrian!"_, but it would just split my lip even further and I'm already in a lot of pain.

_Me and my stupid fucking mouth._

I had only been joking when I said that I asked her out to get in her pants. I was about to tell her so when she clocked me in the fucking mouth so hard milkshake flew out of my nose and I hit the ground. Little cartoon birds flew around my head while she got her coat on and she was out the door before the dude behind the counter helped me up.

"Brown Eyes, get in the car."

"No, you fucking prick! I hate you!" She stomps harder, making the keychain hanging off of her giant purse jangle constantly.

"I was joking, babe. I promise."

She's got to be freezing. I'm cold and I only have one window rolled down and my heater blasting. But she refuses to even get close to my car.

"Get in the car, Brown Eyes," I order.

"Fuck off," she flips me off.

I sigh and grab another napkin to dab at the blood pouring from my lip. For the first time since I saw that shit go down in the coffee shop, I feel badly for Skirt 'cause she undoubtedly pissed off a born boxer.

_Ow._

She's shivering and it's not from the adrenaline my retarded ass comment brought on.

I'd jump out and force her into the car if I wasn't afraid of cops thinking I'm trying to abduct her. Well the chances that she'd beat my ass play a factor in that as well, but I'll never admit to it.

"I'm sorry," I call. "I really am. I was only joking with you. Remember me? The dude that talked about your honor and gentlemanly-ness?"

She stops walking and stomps her foot. "I also remember you popping a fucking boner in the coffee shop, you pervert!"

Thank God the streets are deserted at this hour because that shit would be embarrassing.

"Well I think you need to give me another chance, just like I gave you one," I say, ignoring the pain in my lip. "Just get in the car and I'll drop you off at your uncle's. We'll have a do over."

She doesn't move, so I decide that it's safe to put my car in park. "Come on, Brown Eyes. It's cold."

"I know it's fucking cold, you dickwad." She stomps again. "I can't believe you fucking said that!"

"I said I was sorry." I reach for the door handle blindly. "And I won't say it again. It was stupid, but it's totally me. I do things without thinking rationally; it's part of my charm."

I smile painfully and she scoffs.

"Come on, Brown Eyes."

"NO!" She turns around and touches her face.

"Just get in the car. I promise I won't say or do anything but drop you off." I open the door hiding the noise behind a cough. "I'll drop you off at the coffee shop and call you a cab even."

"No." Her voice is weak.

_Shit! Please don't be crying._

I silently exit the car and run full force towards her, but she turns around before I can get to her. She doesn't say anything about the fact that I'm four feet away from her. Instead she wipes under her eye angrily and glares at me.

"You made me hit you!" she accuses.

"Whoa, I didn't grab your fist and run it into my mouth, honey."

"You know I have a temper, Stalkerboy." She takes a step closer. "You know I have a hot head."

I nod.

"Yet you had to fucking say something so blatantly ignorant." Another step towards me.

I'm starting to get afraid, but I refuse to show it.

"I did. I didn't expect you to sock me in the face, but you did. We both have something to be sorry for." I touch my lip. It's a little crusty with dried blood, but still swollen and mega painful.

"I'm not apologizing. I'm not sorry for punching you in the mouth. You insulted me." Another step forward.

We're now standing one foot away from one another. I can feel the hot air expelling from her flared nostrils against my face. We're almost the same height even though she's wearing flat shoes. If i lean forward we'd bump noses.

"I act before I speak," I stress. "I didn't even think about how you would take that."

I scoot just a couple inches so that we're almost touching. "I know you have a wicked temper. It's just one of the things that attract me to you."

"Yeah?" Her voice is small, her eyes skeptical.

"Don't hit me." I grab her shoulders. "You're very attractive, but there's more to you than that. You know the opening lyrics to one of the best albums ever created and I bet you could recite every song from memory alone. You don't take shit from anyone, including me. You like your coffee the exact same way I do."

"Continue." She steps a little closer, her ice cold hand moving up to touch my injury. I don't flinch 'cause I'm a man.

"Um, your eyes are brown."

She snorts.

"Brown like hot chocolate," I continue. "Those were the first thing I noticed about you the first time I saw you. That's why I call you Brown Eyes."

"When I punched that bitch."

I nod. "It just proved that you can take care of yourself."

"I can."

"I know, but that doesn't mean you have to."

_Let me prove to you that I'm not a complete ass._

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	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**If you haven't already fallen in love with Uncle Charlie.. you will now. Sorry it took me so long but better late than never right?  
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**Chapter Fourteen**

**Brown Eyes POV**

I'll be damned.

Stalkerboy convinced me into getting in his car. I try not to look at the giant swollen and split flesh that was once his bottom lip because for the first time ever, I regret hitting someone. I won't apologize, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad for splitting his face open like that.

_Maybe I should seek anger management._

The drive to Uncle Charlie's house is silent. Stalkerboy merely had me punch the address into his high tech GPS system on the console and then he fell silent. Every now and again I can see him flexing his mouth out of the corner of my eye, wincing painfully each time.

_Remorse is a cruel bitch._

I want to say something, but I'm almost sure that he's gonna snap on me. Hell, I'd snap on the chick I was driving home after she popped me in the mouth, even if I deserved it because I was an ass.

The second he hit the floor when I punched him, he made this weird moan sound. I was too angry at the moment to think about the possibility that I'd caused him brain damage. I'm not a doctor, but he looked alright when we were standing under the streetlight. His eyes were clear and he didn't stutter, so I deemed him able to drive.

I reach out and turn the heater down because I feel like I'm boiling in my skin. He's still quiet.

I think I broke my smart mouthed Stalkerboy.

_Insert pouty duck face._

Uncle Charlie is still sitting on the front porch watching some boxing match. He's bundled up on his old lawn chair, holding a small ten inch screen TV with a giant antenna attached because he's too cheap to pay for cable.

It's his fault that bitch a few weeks ago is still walking around with yellow hued eye sockets and Stalkerboy will definitely be sporting a busted face for a while. Uncle Charlie took me in when my parents deemed me unreachable in junior high and decided to give me the Mr. Miyagi treatment. Instead of karate, he was trying to turn me into the next ultimate fighter or something. I learned to take care of myself, using my fists, but my temper wasn't good for the mats.

_I broke his dream._

He looks up for a second as Stalkerboy pulls into the driveway, but it only lasts a second before he's back to yelling at the screen. Stalkerboy doesn't say anything, so I begin writing off the whole date.

"Thanks for dinner." I reach for the door handle. "Um... put some ice on that when you get home. Night."

He nods once in indication and dabs his lip with a McDonald's napkin.

I exit the car feeling all sorts of bad for myself because I possibly fucked up a good thing. Uncle Charlie waves at the car behind me as it pulls out of the driveway.

"How'd it go, kiddo?" he asks, setting his TV on the table beside his chair. "I didn't scare him off by being out here, did I?"

"No. Why would you scare him off?" I sit next to him and grab his bottle of moonshine.

"Well back in my day, a gentleman escorted a lady to her door after a date." He wags his drunken eyebrows at me. "And if they were lucky, they got a smooch or two."

"That might have been possible had I not punched the shit out of him in the middle of McDonalds," I shrug and take a sip from the bottle.

"What you do that for?" he hiccups. "I mean. You like him."

I nod. "I did until he made a crass comment. I punched him on instinct. Split his lip wide open and knocked his ass on the floor."

"We need to buy you a punching bag," Uncle Charlie giggles, slapping my knee. "You're too violent."

"Says the man that's getting all slap happy." I pinch his hand and stand up. "Well I guess that's it then. I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

He nods and picks up his portable television.

I stand there for a second and watch him get back into the fight or whatever the hell he's watching.

"What?" I finally snap. "Aren't you going to give me some ancient words of fucking wisdom? Tell me what to do to fix this situation that I royally fucked up. How do I make it right?"

He clicks his little television off and gathers his blankets before he stands. Walking over to the door, he turns around and stares at me for a second.

"Well?" I throw my hands in the air.

"You can start by watching your attitude and learning a little patience," he slurs, shrugging drunkenly. "Or you could turn around."

"What?" I turn around and find absolutely nothing.

"Haha! You dope!" Uncle Charlie giggles, stumbling over himself as he enters the house. "You thought the boy would be here."

"You're a fucking asshole."

He takes a minute to mimic my panicked face poorly. I walk past him and stomp up the stairs to my bedroom.

"I hate you!" I slam the door. _"Sooo much!"_

"Grow up, kiddo," he giggles, stumbling up the stairs in his drunken stupor. "Act your age, not your hat size."

"Hat size?" I open the door to find him leaning against the wall next to the staircase.

"Hat size," he nods. "Isn't that how the saying goes?"

"No, you idiot. It's shoe size." I help him to his room, allowing him to lean his fat arm over my shoulders. He stops before shutting the door.

His face grows serious. "He might be immature, but he's the first thing to make you genuinely happy since I picked you up in Phoenix. Don't mess it up."

_It's a little too late for that now. Isn't it?_

**Soooo, the date is over. I wanna hear about your worst date ever. Mine's actually mentioned in one of my older stories. I hope you liked it and I'll see you all Monday :)  
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	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**dowlingnana this chapter is for you. Your reviews definitely made my day**

**Enjoy everyone!  
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**Chapter** **Fifteen**

**Stalkerboy POV**

"Where have you been?" Alice demands the second I shut the front door.

She's standing in the doorway with BC in her arms. Her fluffy slipper covered foot is tapping impatiently. She's got that 'mom' look down.

"None of your damn business," I chuckle, walking past her to the kitchen. I grab a beer and pop the cap off using the counter top, earning a glare. "Don't even fucking start on me."

"It's almost midnight, jerk. There wasn't a note when I got home from the shop," she whisper yells. "You could have at least sent me a text message informing me where you were or what you were doing."

"Alice," I sigh, taking a swig of my beer. "You're killing my buzz."

"Your buzz." She shields BC's face with her hand. "Are you doing drugs?"

"No, you crazy twit! I was on a date."

"Oh yeah? What happened to your lip then?" She steps closer and sniffs me. "You don't smell like reefer."

"I'm not high, you fucking troll. I was on a date and she's different. A little rough around the edges I guess you could call it," I shrug.

Alice's face is filled with fear and pity. "Oh no!" she gasps. "You have to get out of this relationship, Edward."

"Why? I deserved it."

She sucks her teeth sadly. "Typical abused person's answer. It's alright, brother. I'll help you get out of this." She sets BC in his chair thing before turning to me and hugging me tightly. "And to think on your first date."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I push her away. "She's not abusive. She's just got a temper and I pressed a button that I shouldn't have."

"Hmm. Well I'm going to keep an eye on this." She grabs a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer and hands them to me.

"You do that, Gidget." I grab my beer and take my peas to my bedroom.

I take another sip of my beer and regret doing so almost immediately. My stomach is rolling from that shit Brown Eyes calls food.

I gave her the silent treatment once we got in the car.

All a part of my master plan.

I'll give her a couple days of silent treatment before I see her again.

_Gonna be a long couple of days._

Especially considering Alice thinks I'm in an abusive relationship.

I spend the next two days in the shop while she gets her flirt on with the geeky ass motherfucker she'd sold the Spiderman doll to. He hangs around endlessly until I tell the both of them to get the hell out of the store.

There's a new sign on the wall of rules: _No motherfucking PDA!_

On day three I inform Alice that I'm not coming in for the morning shift. She can definitely manage the books for a couple of hours while I visit my Brown Eyes. I don't pay any mind to the pitiful glances she sends my way as I gather my keys and jacket.

The coffee shop is busy.

I find a seat and watch her flit from table to table with a frown on her face.

She's definitely missed me.

Her hair resembles a beehive today. I heard one of the more famous bluesy jazz artists died in her apartment in London recently. Perhaps she's paying homage.

A customer asks for some milk for her coffee and Brown Eyes nods before walking behind the counter. I watch a man walk up to the counter and mumble something to Brown Eyes as he hands his plate back over to her. She turns around and plates another pastry before handing it back to him, while the milk lady huffs about the lack of attentiveness.

"Excuse me. Do you know what 'cherry' is?" Pastry Man asks, pulling apart the tart she's handed him and showing off what looks to be apple filling. "Red goo."

The milk in her hand splatters across the counter when she slams it down. "I know what a fucking cherry is, you fucking asshole!" She grabs the pastry box. "C-H-E-R-R-Y. Cherry. They labeled the box wrong, so it's not my fault."

He stumbles backwards in fear.

As he should.

"Fuck it all!" she screams, stomping to the kitchen. She pushes the swinging door with so much force it bobs back and forth at least ten times.

Uncle Charlie hands the dude the correct pastry and moves to get another milk for the lady that asked for it.

"It's about time."

I turn to find the old pie lady from the other day sitting next to me at her usual table.

"Poor dear has been too nice these past two days. We've all been waiting for her to snap."

"What happened to her?" I ask.

She shrugs and stabs a fork into the pecan pie on her plate. "Dunno. Came in the day before yesterday and she was walking around like a robot. Didn't talk, just took orders and took everyone's bull honky. I've been waiting."

"For what?"

"She's like a volcano. Gets too hot under it all and BOOM!" She looks up. "S'not normal to keep all that inside."

"Hmm."

"Hey boy!" Uncle Charlie calls.

I look.

"Yeah you. How about you go out back and talk her out of killing everyone in the joint." He points to the swinging door.

I nod and walk through the kitchen ignoring the whispered 'good lucks' from the other patrons. The back door is still open and she's stomping around, punching and kicking the dumpster.

"Hey Brown Eyes," I say casually.

She whirls around with a scowl on her face. "Where the fuck have you been?"

I shrug. "Around."

"It's been two days."

"I needed some time to heal." I point to my scabbed over lip. "My sister thinks I'm in an abusive relationship."

Her eyes narrow. "I'm not abusive."

"And we're not in a relationship," I shrug again.

And then Brown Eyes surprises the fuck out of me by launching herself at me.

"Ow."

**Hehe. Is that a good ow? Or a bad ow? lol See you next time**

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	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Ah sorry this is so late. I am currently in charge of helping train the new guy and he's not very bright. I'm sneaking the internet right now! Enjoy the chapter and I might be able to update tomorrow. no promises though**

**Have a merry merry Christmas if I don't see you all before then :)**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Brown Eyes POV**

He sits on a few empty crates from the local dairy.

Why Uncle Charlie has them lined up against the back of the shop is a mystery to me, but he's the owner so he gets to make the crack pot decisions.

Stalkerboy is staring at me like I just told him I was a member of that wacko cult on the other side of town that believes vampires really do exist. Fucking weirdos came into the shop when I first got here and asked me if I'd like to make a donation.

_Apparently my blood is very... appealing._

He looks up at me with an embarrassed smile on his handsome face. I watch his tongue snake out of his mouth and trace the scab over his lip. The one that up until recent activity had been clean and healing nicely.

"You mouth raped me," he chokes out.

I pull a napkin out of my apron, wondering why I ever take the fucker off because it really has everything I could ever need in its deep pockets. There's even a chocolate bar stashed under the straws in case of an emergency. I walk over to him, cautiously holding the napkin out and waving it around like a flag.

"I come in peace," I joke.

"Yeah? Well keep your mouth to yourself please." He stretches his lips and winces. "You're gonna make me have a scar."

"Scars are sexy, you big baby." I roll my eyes and sit next to him on an old milk crate.

It creaks embarrassingly loud and Stalkerboy snorts. I almost give up trying to help him, but I do need to clean up my mess.

I grab his firm jaw in my hand and turn his head to me. He doesn't resist.

I dab at the blood seeping out of the wound gently.

"You know for someone not abusive, this is the second time you've made me bleed," he mumbles.

His thumb is playing with a frayed hole in the knee of my jeans.

I'm glad I shaved last night because that would be embarrassing.

"Shh," I order, folding the napkin over and continue dabbing. "It's the same injury, so it doesn't count."

"I like how your logic works in your favor." His finger is now venturing inside the hole, massaging my kneecap.

_Who knew a knee massage could be so sensual?_

"Do you want me to apologize for kissing you?" I ask seductively, handing him the napkin and pulling his hand away from my leg.

He ponders for a second looking at the blood tinted napkin. "No."

"No?"

He shakes his head. "I kind of liked it."

"Kind of?" I snort.

That kiss hadn't been planned. The adrenaline coursing through me after seeing his stupid ass walking into the shop, all smug and shit, was the reason I snapped on that dude about his fucking pastry. As if he needed more corn syrup in his diet. Stalkerboy had to follow me out back. He had to be all blasé about not coming around for two days while I wallowed in self-pity, thinking that he'd forgotten about me.

He had to bring up relationship status and then shoot me down like that.

I wanted to stake my claim. Irrationality caused me to attack him.

Despite the fact that his flesh was still healing, he has the best lips.

At first they were surprised, a small 'ow' leaving his mouth that I blatantly ignored. I merely had to growl and pull the find hairs on the back of his head to get him to participate.

And he did. For like two seconds.

I felt his hand on my ass before I got too aggressive and he cried out again.

The metallic taste of his blood marring the cherry ChapStick I'm sure he'd never admit to using is what made me pull away. He stumbled back and sat on the crates and I caught my breath.

_Best. Kiss. Ever._

Maybe those vamp wannabes across town have something going. 'Cause that kiss was fuck hot, despite the blood.

"Okay, until you wounded me again, I liked it a lot." He runs his tongue over the cut again. "But now that blood's been shed twice, you lose points."

"I lose points? Why?"

He stands up and tosses the napkin into the dumpster before throwing his arm over my shoulder heavily. "'Cause I say so."

I elbow him in the gut.

"Ow. Stop abusing me, woman," he coughs out. "I missed you and all, but geez, I have to draw a line somewhere."

"You missed me?"

"Well duh," he laughs out, leading me back into the kitchen.

"Then why were you MIA for two days? If you missed me so much?"

"I told you. I was healing." He rubs his lip with one finger. "Had I known you were going to come at me like that I probably would have given it another day or two."

"I would have killed you," I threaten.

"It's a good thing I never decided to follow my true dream of lip modeling because this would have been devastating," he pouts.

"Oh shut up and go sit down. I'll bring you a coffee and a stupid puff pastry."

"Do I get a discount?"

"Stalkerboy, I've punched like seven people and poured iced coffee on a guys head since I started working for my uncle," I laugh, reaching up and touching just under his injury. "If we discounted everyone I assaulted, he'd go out of business."

"I wasn't asking if I get a discount because you beat me." I slap him. "See? Kidding. Don't hit me again."

I move to exit the kitchen because he's pissing me off, but he grabs me.

"I was just asking you if there was a friends and family discount."

"You're not family. And I'm starting to doubt you're even my friend," I argue.

"Baby, you're definitely my friend." He leans in and kisses the corner of my mouth. "Girlfriend."

_Girlfriend?_

**_Hehe aren't they so cute? Reviews are like sensual Stalkerboy knee massages _**

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	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

***crawls out from under the mountain of crumpled and torn wrapping paper that inhabits her living room at the moment* I'm alive! Christmas is my only excuse for lack of update which seems like an adequate excuse yeah? How was everyone's?**

**Enjoy**

**Chapter Seventeen**

**Stalkerboy POV**

"This is what I call food," I point to the plate in front of me with my fork.

"This is it?" Brown Eyes asks, completely perplexed as she lifts the plate and looks under it. "Where's the rest of it?"

"What do you mean the rest of it?" I look over at her plate. "Filet mignon, garlic and herb mashed potatoes and asparagus tips. It's all there."

She pokes the mashed potatoes. "It's like food for midgets. Everything's like bite sized." She looks up at me. "Stalkerboy, I'm a king sized candy bar type of girl. This food is kind of like Chinese food. I'm going to be hungry in like an hour."

"But it's fancy." I cut a piece of my chicken and pop it into my mouth. "And so good."

She sighs before turning to her food.

I wanted to take her somewhere nice when she got off work. The plan was to educate her on proper food, seeing as she's probably living off the dollar menu at McDonald's. I should have known she wouldn't like something like Renata's, but I wanted to impress her. And sort of convince her to give me a shot.

"If I promise to take you out for a banana split, will you consider dating me?"

"What do you think this is?" she waves her arm around.

_This woman is infuriating. I've never had to work this hard for a date in my life and she's proving to be quite the challenge._

"You said this wasn't a date," I argue. "When I called you my girlfriend, you said no."

_More like she recoiled as if I was holding a snake in my hand. She didn't have to worry 'cause my anaconda was secured in my pants. Still._

"I didn't say no," she huffs.

"Yes you did." I lean over and offer her a piece of my chicken, but she leans away. "Come on. You shove your tongue down my throat, taste my blood, but you can't eat off my fork?"

She growls and wraps her lips around the tines of my fork.

_There's something stirring down in Trouser Town. I've got something below the belt she can wrap her lips arou_–

"Be my girlfriend?" I ask once she releases my fork and I'm able to find my grasp on my sanity once again.

"I'm no good, Stalkerboy," she shrugs. "Can't we just be friends?"

"With benefits?"

Her eyes roll.

"I was kidding. No violence is necessary." I hold my hands up. "But if you're going to let me down, I think I deserve an explanation."

"An explanation?" She sets one elbow on the table and leans forward.

"Why?" I mimic her posture because I'm annoying like that. "Why can't you be my girlfriend and why do you think you're no good?"

"Because I punched you in the face."

"I joked that I had ulterior motives in inviting you to dinner," I shrug.

"I'm moody."

"Aren't we all?"

"I mouth raped you."

"You can't rape the willing."

_I saw that, Brown Eyes._

The corner of her mouth lifted for a second. Just a second and then it falls back down into the frown she's had since our food arrived.

"I'm in debt."

"We all owe someone something, Brown Eyes." I reach over and grab her hand in mine.

"I owe like ten grand to an apartment in Phoenix, a rental company and two credit card companies." She turns my hand over and runs her finger from the inside of my palm up to my middle finger. "I live with and off of my uncle Charlie. I'm not stable enough to be a girlfriend."

"I don't care about your money." I don't tell her that thanks to daddy's inability to keep it in his pants and Alice's conception, I'll be living it up just like my mother is.

_Stability is overrated anyway._

"I do." She lets go of my hand and it hits the table with a dull thud. "I've never been a girlfriend, Stalkerboy."

"Huh?"

"I lived with a guy for like a year and a half and he never took me out. Never bought me music. But I stayed until he left me with bills and responsibilities I couldn't handle on my own. That's why I'm here, you know? 'Cause Uncle Charlie came down to Phoenix and paid all my debt. I'm working off all the money I owe him."

I scratch my head.

_Google one confused motherfucker and I'm sure my picture would be the first result._

"So you can't date me because you owe some kingpin money?" She rolls her eyes, but nods. "And what you're afraid of is that I'll dine and dash on you or something?"

"This isn't funny," she grits out. "It's not a kingpin. It's a throng of fucking debt collectors and I'm not afraid that you'll leave me with stuff that I can't take care of by myself."

"Then why?"

"I'm just afraid that you'll leave period."

Her voice is barely a whisper.

If I hadn't been leaning across the table, I wouldn't have heard her.

The second she finishes her sentence, her eyes widen. She didn't mean to say it out loud.

And then I see the faint red bloom in her cheeks. Her neck and chest are flushed.

Brown Eyes is embarrassed and it's not because of something I said or did.

_It's because she's vulnerable._

**Father Dearest has a doctors appointment tomorrow but seeing as this was a pretty short one I'm going to update the second we get home tomorrow. Hope everyone's holiday's were freaking SPECTACULAR! mine was awesome**_  
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	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**So i get the award for worst author ever... it's been days and I failed to update.. but works been crazy soo yes... But I'm here now.. one last update for 2011..**

**Everyone is talking about the end of the world.. does that mean we don't get to see Breaking Dawn Part Two? **

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Stalkerboy POV**

Brown Eyes laughs as I pull into a parking spot at the local Dairy Queen.

For someone that was near tears less than an hour ago in the middle of fancy schmancy Renata's, she sure as hell doesn't act like it now. I get out of the car and find her looking up at the advertisements with–

_What the fuck? Bedroom eyes!_

Her pupils are dilated and I swear she's flushed, looking up at the window like she would so follow it into a vacant supply closet or deserted alley. I'm considering getting a hold of Dairy Queen's big wigs and asking if they can make an Edward flavored Blizzard because I want her to look at me like that. I swear she just wiped drool from her chin.

"Let's go, Brown Eyes," I call, holding the door open for her.

She orders a large double fudge cookie dough Blizzard and a burger kid's meal with a Dilly Bar. When I give her a questioning look she just bumps me with her shoulder as she steals a fry off the tray I'm carrying.

"I told you I was a king sized candy bar kind a girl. That dinner was delicious though," she giggles and steals another fry. "You're used to girls that only eat salads and portions the size of their fists, aren't you?"

I nod.

_It's true. I'm almost positive Tanya had an eating disorder and I actually broke up with Gianna when I caught her throwing up our fancy one month anniversary dinner she'd spent hours on. Ew._

"Well I eat and I like food." She finds a table that has the perfect view of the highway and sits down. "Uncle Charlie says it's because I have the appetite of a stoner, but my doctors ruled it out as a fast metabolism. Doesn't hurt that I'm taller than the average girl."

_I like tall._

I open my banana split and watch her hand shoot out and snatch the cherry off the top. She pops it in her mouth despite the fact that it's already full of a handful of fries and chews with a smile.

She's so at ease about everything.

I watch her open the Dilly Bar and take a bite out of it before she goes for her burger.

She'd be quite the catch if she'd actually let me catch her.

"Be my girlfriend?" I ask.

"No."

Without missing a fucking beat.

I'm twenty-seven and I've never been so frustrated in my life.

"Hey Stalkerboy," Brown Eyes says once her kids meal is finished. Her spoon swirls around the Blizzard searching for cookie dough bites because she eats them first.

"Yeah Brown Eyes?"

"What makes you the way you are?" she asks, offering me a bite of her dessert.

I can't stand cookie dough because of my rational fear of dying from salmonella, but I take the bite anyway. Only because she offered. I use chewing as an excuse to think before I answer.

"Growing up I was always the class clown. I was constantly in trouble for disrupting class until I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder when I was nine. They put me in special classes that focus on a smaller group." I offer her some of my banana split and I'm not surprised when she pulls it towards her.

"So you were one of those Ritalin kids, huh?" she chuckles.

"Yep, until I was thirteen and my dad brought home ten year old Alice from an affair he'd been having with his receptionist for my entire life. I took myself off the stuff and started acting like the kid I was. And I never grew up, I guess."

"Oh."

"What makes you the way you are, Brown Eyes?"

"My fuck buddy left me in a fancy apartment full of rent to own with appliances and furniture I didn't need and couldn't afford. He took everything precious to me." She looks up. "Including my albums. Something inside me snapped that day. I always had a temper, but I never let it get out of control until after Jake did what he did. I guess you can blame Jake for my warm and friendly attitude towards everyone."

"I like your attitude." She quirks an eyebrow. "I'm serious. I liked you before you punched Skirt in the face that day, but after you punched her like that, I knew I had to have you."

She nods, but doesn't comment.

We clean up our garbage and go back to the car.

She doesn't talk until I pull into her uncle's driveway.

I put the car in park and she turns to me.

"Ask me."

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me, Stalkerboy."

_Oh._

"Will you..." I lean close to her.

Her eyes grow wide.

I lick my lips. "...roll up your window?"

"Yes," she breathes and then frowns. "Wait what?"

"I don't want to have to lean over the console to roll your window up, so if you could before you get out that would be great." I point to the crank. "Thanks for reminding me."

She looks oh so disappointed as she turns to the window and robotically rolls the window up. I jump out so that I can open her door for her. She's quiet as I help her out of the car.

"Thanks for dinner," she pouts.

_You, my dear, do not look like a duck._

"Be my girlfriend, Brown Eyes?" I run my thumb over her cheek. "This is the last time I'm going to ask."

She nods.

"Not good enough. I want to hear it. Out loud."

"Yes Stalkerboy. I'll be your girlfr-"

Teenage-like hormones take over and she's pressed against the car in a matter of seconds. Her legs wrap around my hips and her fingers braid into my hair, pulling roughly as a growl rumbles through her chest that's pressed into mine. My lips are hungry against hers, my tongue dominating her mouth.

I can't get enough.

I'm reaching for her tit when Charlie clears his throat from the porch.

_Goodbye boner._

**see yah next year!**

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	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**My new years resolution is to focus on my writing.. because I feel like I'm growing. I'm going to try to reply to each and every review even if it's only one word or criticizing. I'm going to work extremely hard on this idea that's swimming in my brain for the past.. forever and try to get it down on paper or whatever it's called when you type a story out. I'm also going to learn to say no to my superiors because it's apparent that there wont be any repercussions for not agreeing to every beck and call. I'm going to start eating healthier and attempt to get into shape**

**What are your new years resolutions?**

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Brown Eyes POV**

I'm like a fucking spider monkey the way I'm wrapped around Stalkerboy's body. He's going to need a new nickname, but I'll come up with that later. For now he's Stalkerboy.

My Stalkerboy.

And he's currently getting the death glare from Uncle Charlie.

"Boy, have you no respect for a lady?" he asks.

"Ye-ye-yes sir," Stalkerboy stammers.

"Then why did I just find my niece pressed against your car?" Uncle Charlie crosses his arms and gives a _don't fuck with me_ kind of look. "And don't think I didn't notice your hand, boy."

"I'm sorry, sir." Stalkerboy looks afraid.

_Poor Stalkerboy._

"What do you think her daddy would say if he found out I was letting her frolic around town with music shop owning hoodlums that attack her in public?"

Stalkerboy looks a little green around the gills.

I need to do something.

"I should tell you he probably owns more guns than the police department in town."

Before Stalkerboy's expensive dinner revisits him, I step in.

"Oh shut it, Uncle Charlie. For one, I'm twenty-two, so dad's lost any control over me that he thought he had." I rub Stalkerboy's sweaty back with one hand while I talk because he needs to relax before he passes the fuck out. "And you and I both know my father is anti-gun violence."

Uncle Charlie's bellowing laugh makes Stalkerboy jump about a foot in the air. Luckily he's like a cat and manages to land on his feet. albeit a little shaken up. I suppress my laughter. Uncle Charlie smells like moonshine again.

"Just fuckin' with you, boy." He claps a heavy hand on Stalkerboy's shoulder, almost knocking him over. "My brother and I haven't talked since he stole my woman."

It's true. Once upon a time my mom was Charlie's. Then Phillip showed up from some snooty college he was attending and the two fell in love instantly. She broke Uncle Charlie's heart and married his boring brother a couple months later.

Sometimes I think that he was actually my dad, but I've never voiced my beliefs.

"Oh."

_Stalkerboy found his voice._

"Well I'm gonna hit the little girls room and then go to bed." Uncle Charlie looks over at me. "You might be old enough to make your own decisions, but this is my house. No sleepovers. In fact, no boys in the house."

"Goodnight Uncle Charlie," I sigh.

"That doesn't mean I want you doing anything outside. We've got neighbors, kiddo."

"Goodnight Uncle Charlie!" I practically yell.

"I can take a hint," he grumbles, stumbling into the house.

It surprises me how he can go from shit faced by night and then perfectly fine by day. Come tomorrow morning he'll be waking me up at the ass crack of dawn so that we can get to the coffee shop. The man is a fucking robot.

"So Brown Eyes..." Stalkerboy chuckles as the door slams shut.

"You sort of mouth raped me." I poke him in the chest with a cold finger.

My ass is cold from being pressed against his car and now my feet are cold because of the snow we'd been standing in while Uncle Charlie had his fun. I shiver and he pulls me into his arms. Doesn't help because he's just as cold as I am.

"Your mine." He nips my bottom lip. "I can do what I want."

"Your logic sucks try again."

"You liked it," he whispers against my ear.

I shiver for reasons that have nothing to do with the weather. His nose trails down my neck .

I make a move to say something, but instead I yawn.

"You should get inside," he mumbles. "I don't want you to get sick."

"'Kay."

I don't move.

He doesn't move.

We don't move.

_We._

"You should come see me at the shop tomorrow," Stalkerboy suggests. He rubs my arms in an effort to cause warmth. "We'll work on recreating your collection."

"Do I get a discount?" I ask, pulling away so that I can look up at him.

"We'll see. It might cost you though."

_Does this involve a prostitution of sorts? Yes and please._

_**Have I mentioned that the lemons in this story are my best yet? if not.. gives you something to look forward to eh? See yah soon lol**  
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	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Not much to say other than I'm sorry this is taking so long to update. I am currently on day six of no days off for two weeks straight and it's catching up with me quickly. I spent a majority of last night tossing and turning and woke up at the foot of my bed without any covers and the fan on.. did i mention Florida is like 50 degrees at night? **

**Shall we get this show on the road? I hope you are excited for Alice to meet BrownEyes..**

**Chapter Twenty**

**Stalkerboy POV**

"I swear I think something is wrong with him," Alice whispers.

I look over and find that she and her nerd are in cahoots with each other, leaning against the anime section. I don't even think the fucker has a job because he's always here. He offers to help and her comics have never been more organized. They talk in low voices, but I can hear my sister's voice. It's so high and annoying my ears catch it like sonar.

"He's been listening to Journey all morning. And singing along," she scoffs.

BC is napping in the storage room because now that he's past the crying every minute of every day, he's actually quite pleasant to be around. His hair is growing in so he doesn't look like a miniature bald pedophile any more. Naptime for BC means quiet time for the store. The music is turned low, but I can steal hear it.

I'm going through my stock because I have a supplier that wants to cut me a deal later this week. I want to add more vinyl to the store, so I need to weed out some of the unneeded albums I've collected. I have a Sharpie behind my ear and a roll of clearance stickers around my wrist as I push the shopping cart we stole from the local grocery store back and forth. Brown Eyes should be here soon, so I've made a stack of clearance items I think she'll like behind the counter.

"And that smile," Alice's says pointedly. "Ever since he woke up this morning he's been smiling. He actually fed BC his bottle."

I ignore her and turn back to my work, until I realize a few things are out of place. I turn to see whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is looking a little nervous.

"Hey Alice?" I call.

She straightens up and puts the anime she'd been flipping through back on the shelf. "Yeah?"

"What did I tell your... thing about touching my side of the store?"

"That he wasn't to touch anything," she answers after a moment of hesitation.

"Oh yeah, then why are my CDs in order by color instead of alphabetical?"

"Um... maybe you changed it without realizing it." She nods. "Yeah, I saw you over there the other day."

She turns back to the magazine rack and studies it.

"Alice."

"Yeah?"

"Fix my shit or I'll beat his ass." I toss the last album into the cart and push it towards the storage area.

I haven't even shut the door before both of them are standing in front of the CD area, rearranging frantically.

_As if I wouldn't fucking notice._

BC is stirring in his crib thing, so I pop his cork into his mouth and settle down behind the desk to jot down the items I'm putting up for clearance into the book. A couple years ago a group of teenagers snatched up a roll of my clearance labels and decided to ridiculously discount their shit music, so I created the book, a log if you will, to keep track just in case I'm not in the store.

I'm almost done when I hear her voice. Soft, but almost nervous as she asks for me.

"Um, I'm looking for the owner."

"That would be me," Alice trills. "Alice Brandon and you are?"

"Um no... not you. The music owner?"

"Oh, he's in the back. And you are?"

"His girlfriend."

"Oh." Alice is quiet. I fight my way out of the God forsaken chair that should have been replaced when it broke last fall before she says anything. By the time I make it onto the floor, Alice is in Brown Eyes' face. "I saw his lip that night, sister. And let me warn you I might be tiny, but I can handle my own. You keep your hands off my brother or I'll have every comic book junkie in this district hunting you down. Capicé?"

Brown Eyes looks taken back for a second. Only a second.

"Did he happen to tell you why I punched him in the face, midget?" she asks, looking up and down all of Alice's four foot seven inches.

"Well no." Alice's toe taps the tile floor nervously.

"Then don't fucking judge me because you don't know a goddamn thing about me. Capicé?"

Alice looks scared.

Hell, her geek is cowering behind the clearance bin, acting like he's tying his shoe.

"Brown eyes," I greet walking over.

They both look at me. Both wearing mad as hell looks.

"Stalkerboy," she nods.

"Stalkerboy?" Alice snorts. "How endearing."

"Shut it." I look over at the CDs, some of them on the floor in stacks. "My music isn't back in order."

Alice salutes and stomps over to the collection. Her geek slinks over nervously and helps her fix things.

I turn to Brown Eyes who's giving my sister a death glare.

I grab her clenched fist and give it a kiss. "Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon," she smiles. "You didn't come by, so I brought you coffee."

I take the cup from her and kiss her lips. "Thanks Brown Eyes."

She goes back to staring at Alice's head with a nod.

"I don't think I like your sister very much," she says, loud enough for the entire store to hear.

"I know. The feeling is mutual," Alice responds, standing up and walking over. "Man beater."

"Man eater," Brown Eyes snorts. "Your brother's told me about you, lightweight."

"Well we can't all be built like lumberjacks now can we."

_Oh snap!_

They are nose to nose now. Brown Eyes whispers something. Alice slaps her in the face.

She doesn't even flinch.

"I was raised not to pick on smaller people."

"Must have been difficult to find anyone, lard-."

Alice meet floor.

_That's gonna leave a mark._

_**see you next time ladies :)**  
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	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Hello ladies :) I'm too tired to come up with something witty so here you go :) **

**Chapter Twenty One**

**Brown Eyes POV**

No regrets.

I don't feel the tiniest tingling of remorse for Stalkerboy's midget sister.

If the little lapdog had kept her hands to herself, she wouldn't be at the hospital having an x-ray done on her cheekbone while I play with her kid. Her slap was weak and uncalled for, for I had merely told her she looked like a retard in her Superman cape. She's a mother for God's sake; she should know better, right?

"Hey Brown Eyes?" Stalkerboy calls from the front of his shop.

It's a beautiful place, at least one side is. Completely filled with any kind of music one person could ever want. I'm pretty sure I saw some Scottish bagpipe music somewhere in the mess that he calls organization. He told me he wanted to have a little something for everyone. The other side looks like the bedroom of a dude I dated in junior high school.

"Uh-huh?" I bounce midget's baby in my arms while he tangles his little pudgy hands in my curls.

There's a cat purring and rubbing against my boot in search for affection but my hands are full with the cutie.

Stalkerboy turns towards me and shows me the front of a record.

"Pink Floyd, _The Dark Side of the Moon,"_ I scoff. "Released in 1973. Come on, Stalkerboy. Give me a hard one."

We've been at this for almost two hours. He'd go through the endless music that lines the wall of his half of the store. He hasn't found a single record or CD that I can't name. Unlike him, I am open to all kinds of music. I might favor a certain type, but I'm eclectic.

My iPod has Marilyn Manson right next to Miss Monroe.

Stalkerboy underestimates me.

_Doesn't hurt that I'm extremely competitive._

He chuckles and sets the record back into its rightful place. I watch him.

His tongue pokes out of his mouth just a fraction as he focuses on trying to find something I won't recognize.

The game continues until the door swings open, revealing Cyclops and her henchman. She growls when she sees that I'm holding her spawn.

"Before you get knocked out for the second time today, if it wasn't for her, BC would be sitting in a shitty diaper," Stalkerboy explains. "So you should thank her."

"Thank her?" Her eyes are bleary and she speaks with a slur.

_Someone hit the pharmacy before coming home._

"Thanks to her I have a bruised cheekbone!"

"Oh no, Thumbelina. You hit me first," I argue, handing Stalkerboy the baby because I'd prefer to have both hands if she comes at me like a flying squirrel.

"You called me retarded," she stomps and stumbles to the left drunkenly.

"You're a grown woman in a cape. I didn't call you retarded; I said you looked like one."

"I don't want her here," the midget grits out with squinty eyes.

"I don't want him here," Stalkerboypoints to the blonde dude. "Or at my house for that matter, yet you keep bringing him around. How the hell can you try to make me follow your orders if you can't respect mine?"

"Jasper is my boyfriend."

_So that's the name of the weirdo slinking behind the Marvel comics._

"And she's my girlfriend. So expect her to be around Alice because I'm not fucking around here." Stalkerboy hands her her kid.

"But E-"

"And don't start fucking crying now because things aren't going your way. You need to grow the fuck up."

_They are like little kids. All flailing arms and temper tantrums._

He stomps behind the counter and grabs our jackets before grabbing my hand and dragging me outside without another word. I have to run to keep up with him as he drags me down the sidewalk.

He finally stops when I can no longer see B&M's. He shakes out my jacket and holds it open for me wordlessly before slipping into his own once I'm bundled up.

"Your lip okay?" I ask.

He looks puzzled. "Yeah. Why?"

I don't give him an answer.

The roles are reversed and he's pressed up against the side the building we're standing beside as I attack him with fervor. I can't wait for his lip to fully heal so that I can bite it. For now I settle with slobbery tongue massages, but you just wait. The second he's fully healed, he's mine. His hair is fucking Garnier Fructis commercial worthy and he likes it when I pull it. So I do. _Hard. _He groans and bucks his appendage into my pelvis.

We make out sloppily, not caring if anyone's watching and only pulling away when out lungs are about to burst from lack of oxygen.

"What was that for?" he pants against my neck. His hand has traveled under my jacket and his thumb is massaging the skin just under my shirt.

"That was so hot." I lick his lips excitedly. "You sticking up for me. Calling me yours."

In a flash we've switched places and my back is pressed against the freezing brick. "You are mine."

I shiver under his hold. He's practically mauling me in public. Out in the open. His hands are everywhere all at once as his mouth sucks at my neck like he's fucking feeding off of me.

_Soon Stalkerboy. Soon you will ravish me._

_**hehe. Sooo we're pretty much going to speed things up in the next chapter :) You know what that means! see you next time ladies :)**  
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	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Hope everyone is having an awesome Friday Eve. Tomorrow is my first day off in.. I can't remember when so I decided that I'd celebrate my very very short freedom with a chapter for my lovelies.. I wish I got paid for this.. then I'd be set. Doing something I love and making money doing it :) Ahhh we can dream right?**

**Enjoy**

**Chapter Twenty Two**

**Stalkerboy POV**

"Tease."

"Jerk."

"Jezebel."

"Prick."

"Cocktease."

"I'll tease you–"

I capture her lips with my own before she can finish her sentence.

She doesn't need to finish because I have the gist of what she'd come back with.

She's been teasing my cock each and every day for the past month and a half and there are only so many cold showers a guy can handle before his dick threatens to jump ship. My poor balls are blue and I think I've developed carpal tunnel in my right hand.

She surprised me, showing up at my house a quarter after midnight tonight. She'd taken a taxi across town to come surprise me in a motherfucking trench coat.

But Brown Eyes is no floozy.

Rather than something sinful and sexy under her coat, she's wearing a skull and crossbone covered tank top and a pair of silky boxers with little velvet mice on them.

Her excuse for the late night call?

She couldn't sleep and wanted something sweet.

Despite her sleepwear, I find her incredibly sexy and her mismatched socks don't keep me from sprouting a boner when I see that she's dressed for bed. I offered her the half a tub of Oreo ice cream Alice left in the freezer when she moved in with Gasper a couple of weeks ago, but she turns me down.

_Brown Eyes turned down food. Shocker!_

She asked if we could lie on the couch together and by lay together, she meant her on top of me.

The television's off.

Eventually her shirt is… almost off.

I'm working on it, but she's wiggling and dry humping the living hell out of me in a matter of seconds after she climbs on top of me. The only thing separating my weeping cock from her heat is the fabric of our boxers. She's not wearing underwear under hers. I know this because my hands down the back of them, gripping the silky flesh of her ass as she grinds into me.

I wasn't expecting this, but I'm not complaining.

We haven't gone this far yet.

"Hmm..." she hums against my lips, circling her hips.

I feel the head of my dick slip out of the slit in my boxers and groan.

_One barrier down, one to go._

She feels me and stops gyrating. Her hands are on my chest, leaning heavily as she raises her hips and looks down between us.

"Hello there," she giggles before looking up at me. "I think someone's excited to meet me."

"Ecstatic." I lick her lips and slip my tongue inside as she pulls my boxers down my thighs with one hand.

The cold air makes me hiss as it hits the moist head of my erection. She sits up and settles back down on top of me. The silky fabric of her boxers in addition to her moist heat under them is fucking heaven as she moves along my length.

I rip her tank top over her head and grab her tits in both my hands.

They are nothing I haven't seen before over the past couple of weeks, but I still like them.

Brown Eyes let me motorboat them last week behind the coffee shop because I was having a bad day and she wanted to cheer me up.

Right now they're heavy with lust and her nipples are like pointy erasers, threatening to poke my eye out if I get to close. I almost ask if I should get safety goggles, but Brown Eyes stops.

Everything.

Just like that.

She fucking stops.

_The fuck?_

She leans down and caresses my face.

"I really wanted our first time to be special." She kisses my lips. "I even picked out some lingerie for the occasion."

"Ungh..." is my only response as my dick tries to find friction of any form. It's fucking chilly in my living room and her heat is merely six inches away. He's like a fucking dousing rod honing in on the source of all her moisture.

"I hadn't intended on this happening when I came over tonight, Stalkerboy." She grazes my chin with her teeth. "But you just had to be shirtless when you opened the damn door."

"I'm not sorry," I grit out, raising my hips.

She's ready. I move, she moves. My dick pouts.

"Don't make your duck face, sweetheart." She kisses my pout.

She leans into me, pressing her eraser nipples into my chest, the squishy flesh of her tits smashing against me like warm silk.

"I really did want it to be special, but..." Her lips caress my own and she tugs my fully healed lip into her mouth, using her teeth before releasing it with a pop. "We aren't sixteen year old virgins and this isn't a fucking romance novel. Take me to your room, Stalkerboy."

_I think I just came a little._

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	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**WOW YOU GUYS! just WOW lol.. I give you guys a peak at a lemon and you rock my world with awesome words THANKYOUSOMUCH! **

**I hope you all enjoy :) and to the chicken shit that called my work trashy: GROW SOME BALLS AND SIGN YOUR FLAME LOSER**

**Chapter Twenty Three**

**Stalkerboy POV**

We're on my bed.

I don't even remember getting there, just that we ended up under the comforter in a matter of seconds after Brown Eyes insisted that we take it to the bedroom. Her skin is smooth and I can't get enough of it. My hands are everywhere because I can't choose where I want to touch, only that I don't want to stop.

She's laying on my bed in nothing but a pair of ridiculous mouse boxers and a pair of mismatched socks on her feet. It's dark in my room, but its pitch black under the blanket. I'm seeing with my hands instead of my eyes.

_My hands like what they see._

And we aren't even fucking yet. Just exploring.

"What's this from?" I run my thumb along a small scar on her abdomen.

"My appendix burst during a Christmas play when I was in the fourth grade," she whispers. "It was so cool because I got get well gifts and Christmas presents."

I trail down across the silky boxers and touch the inside of her knee. She shudders. "And this one?"

"Decided to try to ride my bike with my arms crossed. I fucking ate it," she giggles. "I was seventeen. Instead of gifts, I got called a dumbass."

Her chest is heaving as my hand runs up across her ribs until I grasp her wrist. I pull it to me and kiss it. "And this one?"

"What do you think it's about?"

"Well people have their own beliefs about the meaning behind _Lullaby._ It was a nightmare that Robert Smith had as a child. Some say it's about him being sexually abused by a male." I lean up on one elbow. "It's not that is it?"

"No." The bed shifts when she shakes her head. "When I was a kid, I would feel like an outcast. Uncomfortable in my own skin, I guess. I wasn't like the other kids and they didn't understand me. Depression can sneak up on anyone I guess."

"You were depressed?"

"Without even realizing it," she mumbles, her blind hand tracing the contours of my stomach. "They put me on medications, but the only thing that helped was coming out here and living with Uncle Charlie. He's the one that gave me _Disintegration. 'And the spiderman is always hungry'_ is just a reminder that no matter how great and awesome I feel, there's always going to be that uncomfortable insecure feeling seeping in."

She swings her leg over my hip and climbs on top of me.

_Holy mother fuck!_

Her boxers are gone.

She's bare and hot against my shaft. She rolls her hips and grinds the head against her clit with a gasp.

"Turn the lights on, Stalkerboy," she demands.

I almost knock the lamp off the nightstand in my haste to give her what she wants. Hell, I'd fucking commit murder for the goddess above me.

She throws the comforter off of our bodies and shamelessly grinds against me. Her hair is wild and there's some black makeup smudged under her eyes making her look like a racoon, but I don't care. My girl is secure. So fucking secure.

And she's a fucking spit fire in bed.

She reaches down and grasps me by the base of my erection before placing me at her entrance. I watch the head of my dick enter her pussy and will my eyes to stay open. She's fucking silk and white hot heat. She shifts her hips and sits down, taking every inch I have to offer in one quick thrust.

We both hiss.

We don't move.

Her eyes are almost black with lust as she bends down and kisses me with an open mouth. I grab her hips in an effort to move her, but she rolls her hips instead. My eyes roll into the back of my head.

"Brown Eyes," I groan.

"Stalkerboy," she taunts with another roll.

"Fuck!" I hiss, gripping her hips roughly.

"Oh we will." She licks my cheek.

Another roll and she unleashes the motherfucking beast.

With a feral growl, I flip us over, surprising the ever living fuck out of her. It's not smooth and my dick slides out of her, practically screaming when the cool air hits where her moisture coats me. She yelps, but I capture it in my mouth as I fumble to reenter her.

I tease her for a second before thrusting into her so hard, a picture on the wall crashes to the floor.

_Brown Eyes is a screamer._

"AH FUCK ME!" she squeals, throwing one leg over my hip so that she can somewhat control my thrusts.

I'm so fucking glad my neighbor is in the military and is constantly out of town because it sounds like I'm murdering someone in my bedroom. Brown Eyes writhes under me in an effort to find a rhythm neither of us are going to accomplish this time around.

She's too fucking wild and I'm dealing with a month and a half of her teasing the shit out of me. I join her excitement.

"Fuck yeah, Brown Eyes," I grunt, filling her as roughly as I can, yet she still asks for more.

"Harder. Harder. Please."

I reach down and fondle her clit, but she slaps my hand away. "No."

"No?"

"Only during foreplay." Her pants are even loud. "Ahh! Harder!"

I grab her leg that's thrown over my hip and pray to God she's limber as I move it up over my shoulder. It works and she's so fucking tight at this angle, I feel like my dicks going to be one big hickey once we're done. Her moans and screams melt into one long drawn out expletive.

"What's your name? Fuck!" she whimpers.

"What?"

"What's your fucking name? Oh God!" she sobs as she starts to come apart beneath me.

"Edward."

She comes and she screams my name so loudly I think my ears are bleeding, but I don't care.

_I think that was the first time she hasn't called me Stalkerboy._

_**And there we have it :) first lemon :) See you soon!**  
><em>

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	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Thank you so much everyone I freaking love you all! I don't have much to say. I'm currently at work rushing around so I can go home and thought I'd give you a little something something. **

**Enjoy**

**Chapter Twenty Four**  
><strong>Stalkerboy POV<strong>

Brown Eyes worries that she's being too clingy after we shower together, but it's in vain because I enjoy cuddling after sex.

I wake up in the same position we were in when we passed out the night before. She's got one of her legs thrown across mine and her head is nestled inside the crook of my neck. We're both still naked and her hair is a hot mess from falling asleep before she dried it properly. She smells like my body wash.

We're encountering something I'm only vaguely familiar with.

I am second guessing myself and I haven't even moved yet.

The morning after.

Do I make her breakfast?

Do I sit and watch her sleep until she wakes up?

Are we going to have sex again?

I grow hard just thinking of the possibility.  
>But Brown Eyes is different. I've never dated someone like her and I'd hate for her to be a violent person when she wakes up.<p>

We've both got places to be in the next hour and she didn't bring any extra clothes with her. I cup my junk just in case and apprehensively lean forward kissing her puckered lips. She smiles and grinds her wet heat into my hip bone in her sleep.

"Brown Eyes," I whisper softly and kiss her again, but she doesn't stir.

Her pussy is warm against my skin and I can't help my wandering hand. I tweak one of her rock hard nipples and watch her back arch into my touch before she rolls off of me and onto her back. I lean down and suck one hard peak into my mouth and flick my tongue over the tip. She writhes, but still doesn't wake.

I want to be inside her, but I'd rather she be awake. I trail a hand down to her center and fondle her silky folds. Her eyes remain shut, but her thighs spread out and the space is just big enough for…

Without thinking I crawl down and nestle between her knees.

I fit perfectly and she remains asleep as I take in the sight of her pussy: beautiful and fragrant, waiting for me. I use two fingers to spread her for me and give her flower a tentative lick, earning an unconscious moan from Brown Eyes.

I decide to go for it because even she can't be angry waking up to a little oral.

I suck her clit into my mouth and push two fingers deep inside her, twisting them in search of—BINGO!

"OH GOD!" Brown Eyes is awake and in an instant her hands grip my hair as she bucks her pussy into my face.

I continue fondling the spongy tissue of her inner walls as my tongue massages her clit. She's gushing all over my fingers and writhing against my bed. She's calling my name, too.

My real name.

Here I am, going down on my girlfriend, and I realize I don't even know her fucking name.

She'll always be my Brown Eyes, but I'd definitely like to know. For now my mouth is busy. And she's so fucking ready.

I add another finger and turn my head, biting down softly on her bundle of nerves while she convulses and clamps down on my fingers.

I let her ride it out before crawling up her body, kissing every inch of skin my lips encounter while she rubs the back of my head where she almost yanked out my hair when she came.

"Good morning, Brown Eyes," I smile once we're face to face.

"Can I hire you to give me wake up calls every morning?" She wraps her legs around my hips and pulls my face down to hers. "You gonna finish what you started?"

I nod and position the head of my dick at her entrance before kissing her lips. I'm in control this time. Rather than the rough romp we both enjoyed last night, I'd like to actually last. She doesn't complain at the gentle pace I've set and she's a lot quieter this morning.

"Mmm, babe, you feel so good," I groan against her mouth and thrust a little faster because it's inevitable.

She cries out in her release and I follow soon after.

We're running out of time before she has to be at the coffee shop and I've got to check in at the store with Ali, so I loan her some clothes and drive her to her house so that she can get changed and catch a ride with Uncle Charlie to his shop. She gives me a sweet kiss before she jumps out of the car.

"Will I see you later?"

"I'm meeting with a seller around noon, so why don't you come visit me at the store?"

She nods and is about to head inside when I stop her. "You wanna spend the weekend with me?" I ask hopefully because two whole days of just Brown Eyes sounds perfect. Brown Eyes kisses me hard in acceptance.

She's beaming as she jumps out of the car and practically skips up the steps of her Uncle's house.

We survived the morning after and I only have one thing to say.

T.G.I.F!

**See you later!**

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	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Chapter Twenty Five**  
><strong>Stalkerboy POV<strong>

"You're so fucking hot!" She exclaims, gripping my shoulders as I pound into her. "Ungh!"

I have her pressed into the wall so hard that I'm positive she's going to leave an indent in the fucking plaster beside my door. Her jeans are hanging off of one leg while mine are at my ankles because I couldn't make it to the bedroom. She's wearing that fucking _Rolling Stones_ shirt. The one that hangs off of her shoulder.

I grunt and pull the neck of it down, as well as her bra, so that I can play with her tit. My mouth surrounds the entire areola and she moans against my hair as I bite down and suck her swollen flesh.

Brown Eyes decided to spend the weekend with me and now that we're sexually active, it's all I fucking think about. _Fucking her._

The pizza guy should be here any minute because we called from the store before we left, but I don't care. I've never been one for exhibitionism, but Brown Eyes brings out the best of me. She's mine and I'll be damned if anyone else gets to see her in the buff. _Mine._

My hands grab her bare ass as I pound into her heat like a fucking jack hammer. She bites my earlobe and forces my head to turn so that our lips can meet.

She had a good day. She told me so when she showed up at the store. She was all smiles, sneaking kisses and provocative touches. Instead of taking her out to eat for dinner, we fed Louie, called the pizza joint and closed early.

I would have fucked her in my car if the backseat was big enough. She's lucky we made it inside because if the lock had given me even the slightest issue when I stuck my key in, I'd be taking her on my front porch. Something tells me Brown Eyes would be alright with that though.

She starts to clamp down on me and doubles her efforts at meeting my thrusts. She comes undone with a whimper against my lips. My legs almost collapse under the sensation of coming while standing up. I'm light headed as I unwrap her legs from my torso and lower her to the ground.

"Mmm, baby, you gotta stop spoiling me," she giggles, popping her tit back into her bra and fixing her shirt as she shakes out of her pants the rest of the way.

"Spoi-"

There's a knock on the door.

Damn Papa Johns and their fucking punctuality!

Brown Eyes giggles and runs down the hallway, slamming the bathroom door behind her while I struggle to pull my pants up. I open the door to find an over enthusiastic kid smiling at me.

"Hi there!" He opens his hot bag and pulls out our food. "Large The Works, an order of breadsticks, 2-liter of Coca Cola and a Cinnapie. Correct?"

I nod because I have no clue what Brown Eyes ordered. We could feed a small family with the amount of food we've gotten, but I have a feeling the majority of it will be gone by morning.

"Babe?" Brown Eyes calls from the hallway.

The kid just about breaks his fucking neck trying to see. It's obvious he heard our romp. He knows what happened behind closed doors.

"Yeah." I push him back a bit and he looks sheepish.

"Make sure you get some of that garlic sauce and Parmesan cheese." The bathroom door closes with a slam.

I pay the kid and send him on his merry way before shutting the door.

"Is it safe to come out now?" Brown Eyes asks, cracking the bathroom door open just a fraction.

"Yep."

She's wearing one of my shirts.

I want to explore and find out if she's wearing underwear, but the food will get cold and she told me she was starving before we got to the house. We sit on the couch with our legs crossed and the food in between us while Brown Eyes flips through the television channels looking for something to watch.

My girl hates commercials, so once she finds a program to watch, she finds another so that she can flip back and forth during breaks.

The food is gone for the most part.

Brown Eyes isn't wearing underwear under that shirt, but we're both too tired to do anything.

We end up passing out on my couch and I'm looking forward to the weekend we'll be sharing together.

I haven't been asleep for three hours before Brown Eyes jumps up, kneeing me in the balls and runs to the bathroom.

If only I'd known our first weekend long sleepover would entail food poisoning.

_I told her that Cinnapie looked shady._

**See you later!**

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	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**I'm not dead... well almost not dead.. I'm freaking tired.. and I'm starting to hate my job even though I love it.. I've filed my taxes.. there's a bottle of wine waiting for me at home and i'm off for the weekend :D SOOO HAPPY! Time for myself is hard to find these days so I've decided to sneak some interwebs and get this out..**

**You guys should know better than to think she's pregnant.. they've been sexually active for all of forty eight hours and you're already smelling fetuses in the air? chill people lol**

**Chapter Twenty Six**  
><strong>Brown Eyes POV<strong>

I flush the toilet for the third time in, like, five fucking minutes.

My stomach is one big ball of painful knots and I curse Papa John for his tainted food as my body tries to reject the fucking feast I enjoyed a few hours ago. Stalkerboy has checked on me a couple of times before he grabbed his keys and took off for the 24 hour pharmacy across town.

I hate puking and being alone in his house makes it so much worse.

I cry out for my mother, pray to God that He'll merely take pity on me and kill me now. I sob into the porcelain god that's surprisingly clean, despite the fact that it's owned by a dude.

I can't get up off the floor. I'm ready to die here on the tile floor, looking at Stalkerboy's rubber ducky covered shower curtain. I'm contemplating finding a tube of toothpaste so that I can leave a last note when I hear the front door open and shut softly. My face is resting on the side of the toilet because it's cool and I'm pathetic.

Stalkerboy has a handkerchief over his face when he enters the room. His eyes are apologetic and I'm too delirious to comment on the fact that he's definitely smiling underneath.

"I brought you medicine." He jiggles a plastic bag in front of my face. "Pepto, saltines, ginger ale and some breath strips."

"You're too good to me," I croak, another round of nausea hitting me.

Aaaannnnnddddddd_..._ I'm back at the toilet.

Stalkerboy is gone.

He calls from the other room in a weak voice that he'll wait for me to finish.

This time I'm cramped up and sobbing for him.

And obvious weak stomach be damned he's here for me. Wiping my face with a chilled washcloth and stripping the T-shirt, that's now drenched with sweat, off of my shaking body. He picks me up and places me in the shower that I don't recall him turning on.

He doesn't even get hard or try to be pervy as he lathers my body up with soap and rinses me off. His hands don't even linger on my tits as he dries me off.

"You okay to go to the room, Brown Eyes?" he asks as he sets me on the closed toilet so that he can strip out of his water logged clothes.

I nod pathetically because it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Our first weekend together and I'm upchucking like a prep at her first frat party because I over indulged on pizza.

He doesn't carry me, but lets me lean against him until I make it to my side of his bed.

"Do you want a shirt?" Stalkerboy asks.

I shake my head and climb under the covers because I'm freezing. I fucking hate food poisoning.

I wake up a few hours later so that Stalkerboy can shove a dose of Pepto down my throat. I haven't thrown up again, but he wants to take the proper precautions.

He laughs at me when I grumble around the stale salty crackers he insisted that I eat to test my stomach's stability.

"What?"

"Nothing, babe. You just got cracker crumbs all over the bed, that's all."

I glare.

"Are you feeling better?" He checks my forehead for a fever and turns to use a copious amount of hand sanitizer. "You don't have a fever."

"Thank you, Doctor Masen."

I brush cracker crumbs off of my chest and realize I'm still not wearing a shirt. Stalkerboy opens a drawer and tosses me one of his.

"Thanks."

He's smiling.

It's evil.

"What?" I ask, pulling the fabric over my head.

"You tossed your cookies."

"Oh fuck off!" I toss a cracker at him and lean back against the headboard. "I think I ate too much."

"It was that fucking Cinnapie," he grimaces.

Sure it looked like it had been dropped on the floor or something when I opened the box, but it tasted fucking phenomenal going down.

_Coming up is a whole other thing, especially when it's coming out of your nose._

"Eh, you have no proof, dickwad."

He clutches his chest and gives me his best duck face. "I'm wounded. I picked your heaving, convulsing body and washed the puke out of your hair for you and you deduce yourself by calling me names?

Hmmph."

"Thanks for taking care of me, Edward," I roll my eyes.

"You're welcome, Bella," he sings, a cheesy smile taking over his face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask.

"Like what?" he asks, cocking his head to the side.

"If you had a handlebar mustache, you'd resemble a fucking molester, that's what." I lean forward and push his head, but he keeps staring at me. "I'm serious, Stalkerboy. You're freaking me out."

He's seriously giving me the fucking heebie-jeebies.

"I don't get what you're saying, Bella." He bounces the bed lightly.

Luckily my stomach remains stable because if he made me throw up, I'd kick his ass.

"Whatever. I'm going to take another shower." I stand up on wobbly legs.

"Watch it," he steadies me. "You're just starting to feel better. I don't want to have to take care of an injury."

He waits until I've brushed my teeth and jumped under the hot spray of the shower before joining me.

His hands wrap around my hips, a smile on his face.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, thank you." I kiss his lips now that my vomit breath is gone. "Thanks for taking care of me."

"You'd do it for me right?"

"Maybe," I joke.

"What do you feel like doing after we shower?" he asks. "Movie? Board game?"

"Food."

"You're hungry?" He looks taken aback.

"Fucking starving! Can we watch a movie and eat some food?"

"Anything for you, Bella."

Another cheesy ass grin that confuses the hell out of me appears and I turn towards the water so that I don't have to look at it.

**I'm sure you all know what's happening next.. this story is almost finished. LEAVE ME SOME LOVE I MISSED YOU ALL :D**

**See you later!**

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	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**went and picked up my copy of Breaking Dawn Part One from Walmart last night. I'm a little upset that I got there at 12:45 and the cashier told me that barely anyone showed up for their party. I got free cupcakes though so I'm not complaining :D**

**Enjoy**

**Chapter Twenty Seven**  
><strong>Stalkerboy POV<strong>

"I'm a little surprised," I chuckle, tossing an M&M across the couch.

It lands in her mouth because we've got this down to a science and she hums happily as she chews.

"Surprised about what?"

"You haven't even noticed." She tries to toss a Reese's Pieces, but it lands on my chest because she has no hand eye coordination. I pop it in my mouth.

"Noticed what? You're acting really weird this weekend."

"I don't know, Bella. You tell me."

She huffs and places her feet in my lap, wiggling her black toenails in indication that she wants a foot massage.

"Just tell me, Stalkerboy. Please." She bats her eyelashes seductively.

I spread her legs and crawl up so that we're face to face. Brown Eyes is quick to wiggle down so that she's flat. She tosses one leg over my hip and smiles.

"You're horny? That's no surprise," she giggles and leans up to kiss me.

"No. I mean I'm horny..." I press into her heat. "...Duh. But that's not it."

She shifts and surprises the hell out of me when she grabs my junk. "Tell me."

"I've been calling you by your real name for hours," I squeak fucking high soprano like.

I breathe a sigh of relief when she lets me go.

"Hi Bella." I lean down to kiss her, but she denies me.

"How'd you find out my name?" she asks curiously.

"Well I asked you if you were allergic to anything while you were barfing in the bathroom. You couldn't answer me, so I looked in your wallet for a medical card to see." I move and sit back against my end of the couch.

I'm starting to feel like a dick for going through her stuff, but I was just trying to help.

"I had to make sure you weren't allergic to anything before I went and bought you medicine," I sigh. "Your driver's license is right there, so I just took a peek."

Brown Eyes sits up and snatches her wallet off of the coffee table. She opens it silently and stares at it for a second.

"I'm sorry, Brown Eyes." I bow my head in shame.

She stands up and tosses her wallet back on the table before climbing into my lap with a chuckle.

"Holy shit, Edward!" She lifts my head forcefully. "I don't think I ever realized you didn't know my name. Surely Uncle Charlie has slipped."

I shake my head. "For a while I thought your name was just 'kiddo'." I wrap my arms around her and let my hands wander under the back of her shirt so that I can play with the lacy hem of her panties.

"'Kiddo Swan.'" Her body shakes against mine with her giggles.

"You're not mad that I snooped?"

She shakes her head and presses her lips against mine.

Our kiss is passionate and lingers. I like kissing my Brown Eyes.

"Remember the first time you had me over? I went to pee like three times while I was here?"

I nod.

"Well I was really going through your medicine cabinet and snooping around your rooms," she smiles. "I had to make sure you were a safe Stalkerboy after all. I was hoping for a wall filled with pictures of my face plastered above your bed or something, but no. You're just a normal clean freak, if there is such a thing."

"You went through my medicine cabinet?"

She nods and stops short. "Why do you have horse tranquilizers?"

"Alice dated a veterinary assistant once," I shrug. "Why do you have a Chuck E. Cheese's game coin?"

"For whenever I feel the urge to play some skeetball," she laughs. "Speaking of kid places, my little sister is coming to visit sometime this week."

"I didn't know you had a kid sister."

"Well not all families are as lovey dovey and perfect as yours is, you know," she laughs humorlessly. "My sister and I butt heads like no other. You'll see what I mean when you meet her."

"You want me to meet your sister?"

"I met yours." Her eyes roll into the back of her head. "Although with my luck, the two of you are going to get along. She'll probably make it a point of friending you just to spite me."

"Sounds sinister."

"She's thorny just like her name," Brown Eyes sighs and kisses my lips. "Take me to bed, Stalkerboy. The rest of my week is going to suck balls, so let's make the best of the rest of the weekend."

I carry her into my bedroom and try to help her forget all about Monday morning.

We spend the rest of our weekend watching movies, having sex and I even convince Brown Eyes into letting me cook her dinner instead of the disgusting take out she lives off of. She turns our cooking lesson into impromptu kitchen counter sex, which leaves her with a bruised back from the cabinet that was behind her and my stove forever stained red from the sauce we let boil over and burn.

She's a ball of nerves come Sunday night. I'll be dropping her off at her uncle's house in the morning and her sister will arrive shortly after. She complains that she'll have to sleep on the couch for the week because Rose will insist on taking the bed and she can't trust herself not to smother her in her sleep if they shared.

I fuck her good and proper that night and wrap her in my arms tightly.

"It will pass before you know it." I trail kisses from her heaving chest up to her panting mouth.

"I can call you if I'm feeling homicidal right?" she asks innocently. "You'll come rescue me?"

_Could this chick really be that bad?_

**See you later!**

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	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Is anyone else as obsessed with the show The Walking Dead as I am? I am in love with that gore-fest of a freaking show. A few peeps are getting a little upset that the story is almost over and while I can't find the time to write a brand new story I want everyone to know that I have a outtake or two for this story as well as another entirely written one in my back pocket.. so you won't be without :D  
><strong>

**Chapter Twenty Eight**  
><strong>Brown Eyes POV<strong>

**_Are you feeling homicidal yet?_**

I chuckle while reading Stalkerboy's text message.

"You haven't seen me in over a year and you're going to spend all of your time on the damn phone?"

**_More like suicidal._**

I hit send and turn to my sister. "Sorry. I had to make sure my drug dealer knew where to meet me for my pick up of crack cocaine later."

She glares. Blazing violet eyes, perfect coiffed blonde hair and a deep red frown.

I question my paternity again. She looks like the perfect outcome of my parents' copulation. All three of them have the same hair, eyes, and bone structure, whereas I'm dark hair, dark eyes and taller than my dad even.

"You're hilarious," she quips. "Who were you really texting?"

"My secret husband. He's part of the CIA and we aren't allowed to tell anyone of our nuptials or the fact that we're raising an alien life form in a cabin in the woods. He just texted to tell me that E.T. took his first steps to becoming a civilized member of society."

She smacks her hand on the table, causing both of our cups of coffee to slush around dangerously close to the rims. If they spill, I'll have an excuse to flee the table and hide out in the kitchen for a minute.

Smirking, I give the table a swift kick.

"Ow Bella!" Rose's face crumbles in pain.

"Sorry. Leg spasm." I cross my legs and huff in indignation. "And before you go and get pissy about my excitement, you gave me two days to prepare for this visit. I have a life here, Rose, and surprisingly, it doesn't revolve around you."

"Hmmph." She crosses her arms, true spoiled rotten brat style. "I am on my way to college and I thought I'd come see how you were doing."

"Uh huh. In other words, daddy paid you money to spend your time to hunt me down."

She doesn't reply.

She doesn't have to.

I didn't tell my parents I was moving to Uncle Charlie's because they have no control over me. If I told them where I was, my mother would bring her dramatic ass out here and try to drag me home.

This is my home though. Here with Uncle Charlie, who feels like more of a father than Phillip Swan ever did. I have a job that pays good and a roof over my head. I also have my Stalkerboy, who showed me that he really cared for me over the weekend, the medicine and bedside nurse act, and of course the amazing sex – it all showed me that he cared.

Rose snaps her fingers in front of my face. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry." I take a bite out of my scone and talk with my mouth full. "Continue."

"Mom's worried about you. She and dad were going to visit you in Phoenix, but she knows you don't like surprises, so she called your place. Your phone's off. She tried calling Uncle Charlie, but he hung up on her and you know dad will never call him." Rose rolls her eyes and passes me a napkin.

Always the more mature one out of the two of us.

"How'd you find out where I am then?"

My phone vibrates from its place between my thighs and I jump, covering it with a cough.

**_Don't kill yourself. I have plans for you this weekend that don't include necrophilia. ;P_**

My boyfriend the pervert.

"Who in the hell are you texting?" Rose growls from her side of the table.

"None of your bees wax," I stick my tongue out at her. "Answer my question and maybe I'll answer yours."

I lean back in my chair and reply quickly.

**_How fast can you get here? Maybe we can have a quickie before they throw me in the slammer._**

I don't want to piss off Rose any more than she is already, so I put my phone away without waiting for his reply.

His genius plan was to make me suffer for a couple of days to 'enjoy alone time with my sister' before I introduce him, but this is ridiculous. We've been sitting in the coffee shop for almost two hours and Rose has spent the majority of her time talking about her pitiful life.

Apartment and convertible, all expenses paid for by daddy. A full ride to college where our parents will continue to carry her pathetic ass until she graduates and then probably after that as well.

Gotta love being the baby of the family.

Her issues with life entail having to wake up in the morning and take the elevator down to the basement fully furnished gym. She has to cook for herself, clean after herself because mommy and daddy refused to pay for a maid service. And her love life sucks balls at the moment.

She's currently going on and on about the strenuous hot yoga class she's taking with my mother when the bell above the door dings and Stalkerboy walks in, smiling his stupid head off.

I shake my head and he veers toward the counter instead of coming over.

"And we have to do all of this while sweating, Bella!" she whines. A cellphone starts ringing somewhere in the room and she perks up. "Oh yeah, I forgot. I knew you were here when I called Uncle Charlie and asked him if he was hiding you out. Now answer my question."

"I said I might answer it."

Her grip on the napkin in her hand is so tight I can see her knuckles turning white under the strain.

"Fine, fine I'll tell you."

I tap my hands against my thighs making a drum roll sound. "I was texting my boyfriend."

She's quiet.

And then she starts laughing her ass off.

"What?"

"Bella... get real. I ran into Jake a few weeks ago and he said the two of you broke up." She wipes a tear from her eye and stops short. _"Wow!"_

"What?"

"Who's the sexbot talking with Uncle Charlie and where has he been my entire life?" she whistles.

I turn my head and find Stalkerboy leaning across the counter talking to Uncle Charlie, his ass popped out for everyone in the world to see.

Three's no one else at the counter but Uncle Charlie and Stalkerboy.

I know for a fact she isn't eye fucking our uncle.

I cock my fist back and let it fly.

**See you later!**

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	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Chapter Twenty Nine**  
><strong>Brown Eyes POV<strong>

Rose is stunned.

She hasn't met the new and improved, _almost_ always physically abusive Bella, but she's witnessed my wrath first hand.

"What the hell, Bella?" she cries, clutching her left tit in her hand. "You punched me!"

"You eye fucked my boyfriend," I shrug as I take my respective seat.

"I'm going to have a bruise." She lifts the neck of her shirt to peer inside but stops short. "Wait... boyfriend?"

I nod.

The bruised flesh is the last thing on her mind as she looks from the counter to me and then back at the counter like she's watching a fucking tennis match or something. Her mouth gapes like a seductive fish for a second.

"How in the fuck did you manage to catch that?" she nods towards the counter where Stalkerboy is learning how to make something fancy using Uncle Charlie's fancy espresso machine.

"Surprisingly the same way I just punished you for being an eye whore."

She demands that I explain. Instead of telling her the whole story of Skirt and her Bluetooth, I call Stalkerboy over to recount the tale that brought us together. I introduce him as Edward to my sister, whose hand lingers entirely too long for my liking. She asks him to sit down and pulls the closest chair next to her, but he sits next to me.

In an act of sheer smugness, I throw my legs over his just because I can.

"So Edward, my darling sister was just telling me how the two of you met," Rose bats her long blond eyelashes at my boyfriend.

They're both lucky that he seems unfazed by her slutty act.

Stalkerboy squeezes my knee and rests his hand on the inside of my thigh. He then goes in full detail through our entire beginning: Skirt, the punch, my ignoring him. Our first date.

"You punched him in the mouth on a date?" Rose guffaws.

"I know right. I think I have a scar." He leans over the table and pulls his bottom lip down.

"He told me he asked me out to get into my pants," I defend.

"And then she mouth raped me and busted it open again," Stalkerboy reminds me, looking toward my sister for pity.

"Hell Bella. That's a lot of abuse." Rose stops in the middle of whatever the fuck she's saying. _"Fuck me._ You know what? I think I'm gonna take a year off and come stay with Uncle Charlie for a bit."

"Why?"

"Because of the potential you have here. Dear God, do you see that?" she points to the counter.

I turn and snort. Typical prim and proper Rose.

The guy ordering a black coffee from Uncle Charlie looks like a fucking tool. He's covered in muscle and wearing what I can expect to be one of his hundreds of polo shirts. His collar is popped and he is wearing Ray Bans, despite the fact that it's gloomy outside. His orange tan makes him look alien-like compared to the rest of us pale folk.

And my little sister has moved on from crushing on my boyfriend just like that.

She adjusts her shirt and pulls the pencil out of her hair, letting it hang in loose waves, before gathering her stuff.

"Gotta go!"

"Wait... I thought we were going to the mall to catch up?"

_Why the fuck did I just say that?_

"Oh come on, Bella. Since when do we ever want to hang out together?" Rose rolls her eyes and leans over the table kissing my cheek.

"We haven't talked about mom and dad yet, Rose. I don't want them knowing I'm here."

"And I don't want them knowing I'm here scouting boys." She looks over to the counter at the giant piece of man meat before turning back to me. "How about I tell mom and dad that you aren't here and that I'm gonna help Uncle Charlie for a little while. You'll be safe from the 'rents and I'll be able to tap that."

"Are you serious?"

What the fuck happened to my sweet innocent perfect college bound sister? If my dad could see the way she's eying the tool at the counter, he'd have a fucking coronary.

We watch her stalk over towards the giant like a fucking lion on the prowl.

I don't know what she says to him, but the smile is as big as his head if that's even possible. He looks like he should be in a fucking Orbit gum commercial or something.

They walk out of the coffee shop hand in hand.

My little sister has turned into a fucking hussy.

"Can I spend the night at your place?" I ask Stalkerboy.

"Why are you even asking?" His smile is megawatt.

"Because it's your house." I throw a straw paper into his hair. "And it would be rude to just show up."

"You know what I think?"

"That we don't have to have that quickie now that I'm safe from my homicidal tendencies?"

He chuckles and shakes his head no, but he also moves his hand higher up on my thigh.

"I think you should move in with me."

And my brilliant response is falling out of the fucking chair, one leg still in his lap, my ass firmly planted on the ground.

**See you later!**

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	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Chapter Thirty**  
><strong>Epilogue<br>Stalkerboy POV**

"Jack! You get your little ass back here or so help me God!" Brown Eyes screams from the kitchen.

"Sally!"

A pot clangs to the floor. A glass shatters and water starts to overflow the sink before I can enter the room. Brown Eyes is holding Sally's towel swaddled body away from the plate of tuna sandwiches on the counter while Jack claws at the back door, looking for a way to escape.

My girl looks like she's about to burst into tears.

"Stop laughing and get your ass over here to help me, fucker!" she demands, practically throwing Sally at me when I'm close enough.

"What can I do to help?"

"Lock their asses in a closet and find their brother, that's what you can do for me." She turns around and pulls the drain in the sink.

The drain makes a weird sound and Jack doubles his efforts to escape.

I kiss her cheek and scoop him up on my way out of the room.

My nephew is sitting on top of the spare dresser we ended up leaving in the playroom. He's holding a can of treats and shaking them.

"All mine. And you can't have none. _Allllllll mine!"_ he sings.

"Bruce, are you teasing?"

He almost falls off of the dresser in fright. "Um. No?" His eyes roll.

Typical Alice move.

He's wearing a _Thundercats_ T-shirt and cowboy boots. Typical Jasper trait.

The two of them have raised what's got to be the geekiest little kid I've ever seen in my life. His first correctly pronounced word was _flame,_ followed by _flame on_. At five years old, he's the ultimate _Fantastic Four_ fan, just like they wanted. Much to my dismay, Brown Eyes and I had to take him to the latest movie because my sister was giving birth to BC's little sister Robin. Yes, Batman's sidekick Robin.

"Then why do you have the treats?" I ask.

"Cause I was hungry," he smirks.

"Aunt Bella's having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen and we could really use the help. How about you babysit the brats and I'll sneak you some extra cookies after dinner?"

His stringy black hair falls in his face as he holds his hand out. "Half now, half later?"

"You little shit."

"Correction," he taunts. "Little bastard."

"Screw the cookies. If you don't babysit, I'll tell your mom you really favor Poison Ivy over Catwoman."

He blushes. I know I've won.

I close the door behind me and head back to the kitchen.

Brown Eyes is muttering under her breath as she mops the floor.

"I can do that if you want."

"Pssh."

"Pssh?"

"Yeah. Pssh."

"Did they really piss you off this much?" I lean against the door jam and she stops mopping.

"What do you think, Edward?"

_Uh-oh. She never calls me Edward unless she's coming or she's pissed. And seeing as she's fully clothed and across the kitchen, it's not the first one._

"They're just babies, Brown Eyes."

"Well you should have taken my advice and gotten Louie fixed when I told you she was whoring herself around the coffee shop. Now we have kittens to deal with," she huffs. "Did you ever find Oogy?"

"He's with BC in the playroom." I walk carefully across the drying floor and pull her into my arms. "Are you okay?"

"No."

"Talk to me."

"I think you manage to talk me into a lot of shit."

My heart sinks.

She back pedals.

"You always convince me to do things, Stalkerboy," she says, kissing my cheek. "Moving in, marrying you, backdoor sex."

_Fuck yeah, I did!_

We lived together for a year before I proposed and that's only because her sister and the guy she met at the coffee shop the day we were introduced went and got married. I only saw that it was fair that Brown Eyes be tied to me permanently.

I proposed while we were fucking in the shower, too.

_Just because I felt like it._

Brown Eyes said yes before she realized it and then took her answer back.

It took me a month to convince her that we were going to be together until we were back in diapers.

Unlike Rose who spent enough of their parent's money on her big extravagant white wedding, BrownEyes opted out.

We flew to Vegas.

A fat female Elvis married us.

Brown Eyes was wearing her _Rolling Stones_ shirt and her little red elfin shoes.

She lost her engagement ring less than three weeks after I convinced her to wear it, so we decided to go for a more permanent sign of our commitment. We both sport matching tattoos on our ring fingers. Dark black bands and along the side of it, the date of our nuptials.

We honeymooned in Vegas and lost five grand at the slots at the airport on the way home. It was in Vegas that I convinced her into trying backdoor sex, too.

"All of those things you ended up enjoying though," I defend, kissing her lips.

"Yeah, but this is different." She grabs my hand and rests it on her belly. "If I can't control three rowdy kittens, how in the hell am I going to raise a kid?"

She found out she was pregnant a couple of months ago.

She freaked out.

She brought up the word _divorce _and an even scarier word: _Abortion._

She thought I wouldn't want our kid because it was no secret that I hated little people.

The truth was that Bruce Clark had started growing on me. Jasper raised the kid like he was his own and absolutely loved him. BC called him daddy. I started to want the same thing.

We stayed up all night after she told me.

I told her we could do it.

We agreed to give it a go.

We found out we're having a girl.

Brown Eyes insists that we name her Charlotte Sometimes Masen, which is fine by me, even if it's going to raise a lot of questions and judgment from people that aren't familiar with every _The Cure_ song.

"We're in this together, Brown Eyes. And we're probably going to fuck up more than we succeed, but this kid is going to be so fucking lucky."

"You think?"

"I know."

"How do you know?" she asks, rubbing the swollen flesh.

"Because she's going to have the best collection of music ever."

Brown Eyes swats my arm.

"She's going to be loved," I kiss her neck. "And possibly spoiled rotten if she looks anything like her momma."

"That's fine. So long as she doesn't get my rage."

"Oh baby I'm hoping she gets your rage."

-Brown Eyes and Stalkerboy -

Three months later I find myself sitting in an uncomfortable chair beside Brown Eyes.

She's been asleep for hours, but I can't close my eyes.

In my arms I hold our baby girl. Charlotte Sometimes Masen.

She's only a day old, but I can already tell she's my fucking world.

My girl did so good.

All natural because she was afraid of the side effects of an epidural.

Charlotte ripped the hell out of her coming out, so Brown Eyes is pretty doped up on the local pain medication. She swears it's all worth it. She said the second Charlotte popped out of my playground, she knew that we had nothing to fear. Raising our baby girl is going to be an adventure of epic proportions.

I look down at my daughter and wonder why I never wanted to give this a go.

Sure she cries just as much as BC did when he was little, but she's fucking adorable. A little bit of me mixed in with a lot of her momma.

Brown Eyes stirs from her bed.

"What are you still doing up?"

Her voice is garbled.

That pain medication they gave her does funny things to her.

She tried to have sex with me when I helped her in the shower and then tried to convince the nurse that I was going to kidnap our baby once she fell asleep. She also said something about ninja turtles.

She fed the baby and passed out.

"We couldn't sleep," I whisper.

Charlotte coos.

_Aww._

This baby has turned me into the mother of all pussies.

"I kind of love you, Stalkerboy."

"I kind of love you, too, Brown Eyes."

**I have one more two outtakes up my sleeve so make sure you add this story to your favorites :D**

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	31. Outtake number 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own it**

**Hello ladies! As promised here's a little glimpse into the future of our favorite crazy couple.**

** And like most late updates I usually have something to announce **

_** I now have a twitter to keep up with everyone so come visit me there: PandorasFF**_

**Outtake One**

**Stalkerboy's POV**

_Three years later..._

"Daddy."

"Charlotte."

"I can has a cookie?" She twirls a brown curl around a slender little finger, looking all innocent and shit.

"What did your mom say?"

"Her said I has to ask you." Charlotte pops a hip out and rolls her eyes.

She's like a miniature Brown Eyes. Looks and attitude. She's a freaking nightmare.

"Hmm..." I pick her up and carry her into the kitchen. "What's in it for me? If I give you a cookie, what do I get?"

"Oogie pooped in you swipper," she giggles. "You can has that."

I sigh.

I can't very well tell my three year old that I plan on drowning her precious fur ball in the kiddie pool out back. Instead, I give her the damn cookie and watch her gobble it down like fucking Cookie Monster. There's cookie everywhere, I doubt she even got half of it in her mouth.

And they say _Sesame Street_ is good for children. Where the fuck were those people when my kid tried to live in a garbage can like her idol Oscar the Grouch? Educational my ass.

She wipes the crumbs off of the front of her shirt and grabs her juice cup before looking up at me.

"I can has more?"

"One. Your mom will kill me if I let you get full on sweets."

I hand her another cookie. She decides to savor this one.

I watch her tiny fingers pry the Oreo apart. She offers me the half without the crème.

"Thanks baby."

"Welcome."

She finishes her cookie. "We can play today?"

"No. Daddy has to go to work today," I tell her.

"I can come hewp?" she asks, hopping around hopefully.

She gets so excited over the littlest things. I take in the rainbow tights and tutu she's selected to wear today. It would be great if she didn't add two different colored rain boots - one yellow, one blue - and at least a dozen Mardi Gras beads around her neck.

Brown Eyes thinks it's best that we let her be herself, and I'm all for originality, but when your kid wants to go to a nice family dinner with a ukulele strapped on her back, a one piece pajama set and cowboy boots, you have to draw the line.

"We'll see. Where's your mom?"

"Her's on the potty." Charlotte's face then screws up. "Her face is all red and she says 'shit balls' a lot," she giggles.

I should scold her for cursing, but what's funnier than a three year old saying 'shit balls'?

I find it absolutely adorable.

"Why don't you go find the cats and I'll go check on mom."

She toddles off towards the living room to find her cuddle rats while I head down the hall towards the bathroom.

"Shit balls!" Brown Eyes cries.

"Babe? You alright in here?" I peek around the corner and find her sitting on the toilet with her pants around her ankles.

She tosses something into the bathtub and stands up.

"No. Get out."

"Char said you were in here having a meltdown." I move towards the bathtub because curiosity always gets the best of me. "What are you hiding?"

Volcano Brown Eyes erupts in a flourish of anger, flailing limbs and even a little spit.

"It's all your fucking fault, you stupid fuck head!"

"What did I do?"

"It's what you didn't do! 'Oh, don't worry, babe. I'll pull out,'" she mimics my voice. "I knew I shouldn't trust you."

"Huh?" I am _so_ confused.

"You knocked me up again, you fucktard!"

_Ah_ _hell!_

**Hope you ladies liked it. It was nice revisiting this couple (Definitely my favorite) I'm going to be jumping back into the saddle soon so keep an eye out for me. Be patient with me and I'll make it worth your wild I promise.**

**Come see me on Twitter :D**

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	32. Author's Note

**For those of you that don't have me on your alert's I've gotten a Twitter to keep up with everything and everyone so come find me (at) PandorasFF**

**I also got a blog because one of my stories was deleted without any warning making me extremely sad and more than a little paranoid. My blog will consist of all of my stories once they are Beta'd as well as a few incomplete projects in hopes that some positivity will give me the oomph I need to complete them **

** pandorasboxisheavy(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**I also just got an account at AO3 and will start posting over there as well once I figure out the logistics.**

**My account is under PandorasBoxIsHeavy so come find me over there too :D **

**And last but not least if you haven't checked out my new story Southern Comfort it's already 25 chapters in and on my blog as well**

**See yah soon lovelies **

**XOXO Ashley**

**I will delete this message in a couple of days I just wanted to give everyone a heads up with what's going on**


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